Rodney is a great guy. Oops, nevermind he's a terrible human being.
He likes his sandwiches to be Turkey and Swiss. Triangle cut. Let vern have his crust. Poison the part Rodney eats.
TIB - 2 time award winner "Worst mafia player" at FE (maybe everywhere)
Yes. I filmed a threesome. It was at a friend of a friend's birthday party. After a night of rampant drinking and drugging out by a raging bonfire a lot of us retreated inside of his house. The birthday boy and his girlfriend started aggressively making out on a couch with everyone else around. Another girl took that as an invitation and sprang into action.
The friend I tagged along with to the party was going through this phase where he liked to videotape parties he was at. I think he was just a narc building a library of evidence against us all. But anyway, I was obliterated and took control of his narc camera and moved closer to the action and started filming and giving them obnoxious instructions that they ignored.
A bunch of reasonable people just left at this point, but some did stay and watch. There was this little white "gangster" dude that tried to be my assistant director and was yelling hype man shit at the fuck scene. So somewhere there is a tape of what eventually became a guy with a girl sitting on his face while getting blown by another girl, with my country ass voice saying stuff like "again with feeling now, beautiful" and another voice yelling "yeah dawg you the man get that dick sucked homie!" And sweeping camera shots that included the wide-eyed voyeurs that remained in the background.
The happy couple had broken up by the next week and the birthday boy was angrily requesting the tape to be destroyed, but as far as I know my friend never gave it up. And I never heard from any of them again. Cheers, Kane Bacon. (Bonus fun: his mom was a police officer. Officer Bacon. No shit.)
Rodney is a great guy. Oops, nevermind he's a terrible human being.
He likes his sandwiches to be Turkey and Swiss. Triangle cut. Let vern have his crust. Poison the part Rodney eats.
TIB - 2 time award winner "Worst mafia player" at FE (maybe everywhere)
Ah, the greatest collection of albums ever assembled underneath a single question on a questionnaire. All of these albums are, for one reason or another, fondly remembered relics from my childhood. But all but one of them were either given to me as gifts at different times or I already had them on cassette. Little Zersch, left to his own devices, was eager to personally spend his birthday money on only the guaranteed hottest album of 1995- the soundtrack for the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie. And once I got it in my grubby little hands you BEST believe I dragged my extension corded boombox out into my backyard & had the sweetest fucking tunes on John West Rd to jump on my trampoline and air fight to.
I appreciate almost everyone giving nine year old me a boatload of credit in thinking I would have been into the Smashing Pumpkins that early. While they are now one of my favorite bands of all time, Little Zersch would have turned his nose up at a nasal Billy Corgan and his two-disc release and would have been much more likely to pick up Aqua's "Aquarium" up until like four years later. For your listening pleasure, here is the hottest track from the Gordy soundtrack written specifically for Gordy. Something the Power Rangers soundtrack was desperately lacking:
"Gordy ain't going out like a ham sammage" - one of my favorite lyrics penned to this day.
I've never fought a girl! Sheesh, I'm not a monster... now let me casually segue into talking about how I fought a special needs kid during a game of kickball. He wasn't like, down syndrome, he was just a little... slow. And super angry. So they kept him and the others in his class separated except during gym. He was talking shit to one of my friends while up to kick so I shit talked him back. I can't remember everything I said but I clearly remember calling him Walmart boy for some reason. That was all it took. The next time he came around the bases, all I saw a beet red face charging me at full speed as he tried to shoulder tackle me to the ground. With me being... sturdy... he went down instead. I quickly followed and we had a brawl for the fifth and sixth grade ages! ...In reality it was over very quickly and went on to be known as "the day Cole beat up a retarded kid." To top it all off I didn't get in any real trouble because everyone corroborated my story that he started it!!!
A rundown of the rest.
Cocaine guy: Friend's older (probably 10+ years older) coked out devil cousin hit a girl during a small party and then started swinging on the rest of us. When I made eye contact with him he came right at me. I swung once but didn't connect fully and immediately went into defense mode and never left it. It was not a glorious battle. I ate like six or seven punches on the side of the head while trying to block the hits with my arms. Guy eventually ran out of the house and into the woods and I got the fuck out of there.
Drunk uncle: My dad's piece of shit brother. He's a cunt and showed up to a reunion trashed. I asked him kindly to leave and he didn't want to and we got into a shoving match until someone backed me up and told him to leave. Facing greater odds, he departed. Years later this asshole siphoned like 60k from my grandma while she was dying and doesn't have a dime or anything else to show for the stolen money. He was "taking care of her" and would have her sign blank checks so he could go grocery shopping. If I could legally murder someone I would strangle this guy.
Three dogs at the same time: When I was a little lad our neighbor's three dogs got a bit aggressive with me. I was probably doing something obnoxious, but I was too young to remember now if that was the case. Anyway, I smacked one of them and the neighbor got on them pretty quickly, but not quick enough as one bit me and left me with a fear of dogs that lasted for a long time.
My best friend of 25 years: He fucked my girlfriend at the time so I punched him in the stomach in her front yard and he went down hard and cried. I immediately felt really bad and for reasons I still don't understand I picked him up and carried him inside of her house and laid him on the steps. Then I left.
Honestly, the more I thought about this one the more of a toss up it actually became. So I'm giving points for either of these. Mitch is probably my favorite of all time - but Patrice O'Neal is hands down my favorite comedian that I "discovered" and followed in the last ten years. Naturally, they're both dead now so fuck me. Every time I love a comedian they die within the year. Watch out Dave Attell, because you've defaulted to my #1 position just for continuing to draw breath. I do enjoy everyone on this list though.
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