Why did the old man fall in a well?

Spoiler	+
He couldn't see that well.

Stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.

Spoiler	+
Then it dawned on me.

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

Spoiler	+
They're making headlines.

My friend thanked me for buying him an elephant for his room.

Spoiler	+
I told him 'Don't mention it'.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Spoiler	+
Aye matey.

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Spoiler	+
Mist.

I tried to tell mom she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

Spoiler	+
She looked surprised.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.

Spoiler	+
I thought it was a nice jester.

Did you hear about the French cheese factory explosion?

Spoiler	+
Lots of de brie.

I want a job cleaning mirrors...

Spoiler	+
it's just something I could really see myself doing.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Spoiler	+
Because he was outstanding in his field.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey...

Spoiler	+
but then I turned myself around.

I have a fear of speed bumps...

Spoiler	+
but I'm slowly getting over it.

I have a fear of elevators...

Spoiler	+
but I've started taking steps to avoid them.

You're cold? Sit in the corner.

Spoiler	+
It's 90 degrees.

What do you call a man with no nose and no body?

Spoiler	+
Nobody nose.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

Spoiler	+
They say he made a mint.

I took the shell off of my racing snail to make him faster...

Spoiler	+
but it only made him more sluggish.

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and poorly-dressed man on a bike?

Spoiler	+
Attire.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

Spoiler	+
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Spoiler	+
Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Spoiler	+
Ground beef

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Spoiler	+
Because the pee is silent.

What does an angry pepper do?

Spoiler	+
It gets jalapeño face.

lol

lol oh man

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?

Spoiler	+
Swarm.

Hi, do you have any books on paranoia?

Spoiler	+
Look behind you!

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

Spoiler	+
They charged one and let the other one off.

I asked the pharmacist if he had anything for wind.

Spoiler	+
He gave me a kite.

I have kleptomania.

Spoiler	+
When it gets bad, I take something. Spoiler + lol

My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

Spoiler	+
So I dumped her.

My friend recently got crushed by a bunch of books.

Spoiler	+
He's only got his shelf to blame.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible...

Spoiler	+
it's terrible.

Will glass coffins be a success?

Spoiler	+
Remains to be seen.

All my friends have deserted me because of my weird hobby of fondling pasta.

Spoiler	+
Right now, I'm feeling cannelloni.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death...

Spoiler	+
I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

People who sleep in socks

Spoiler	+
must be very very small.

My friend's bakery burned down last night.

Spoiler	+
Now his business is toast.

The furniture store keeps calling me...

Spoiler	+
But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job...

Spoiler	+
But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I know lots of jokes about unemployed people...

Spoiler	+
But none of them work.

I brought a dog home from the blacksmith's.

Spoiler	+
Straight away it made a bolt for the door.

What did one cloud say to another cloud as it moved to a lower altitude?

Spoiler	+
You'll be mist.

I went to see a world record breaking pizza being made. It was over 40 metres across!

Spoiler	+
I can't see anyone topping that.

Some idiot just knocked my cap off. I told the police but they said...

Spoiler	+
They can't just come around at the drop of a hat.

Freddie Mercury once offered me a Czech-style flatbread snack.

Spoiler	+
"Bohemian Wrap?", said he.

Tiny bongos

Spoiler	+
are hard to beat.

My friend swallowed his phone and got it caught in his throat. Idiot.

Spoiler	+
I could ring his neck.

Robber: Give me everything you've got!
Shopkeeper: I've only got these defective scales.
Robber: Hand them over!

Spoiler	+
Shopkeeper: You'll never get a weigh with this!

I've going to buy some velcro shoes.

Spoiler	+
Why knot?

My friend is convinced he's actually a giraffe! He never feels embarrassed about it though.

Spoiler	+
He walks with his head held high.

Two blood cells met and made plans to marry, but alas...

Spoiler	+
it was all in vein.