“Happy Birthday Nick!”

This was too easy. Nick eyes his friends warily. Something wasn’t right.

His friends were...well to put it lightly, they were a tad eccentric.

He could point to the time, for Earth day, they decided it’d be a smart idea to try and discover the existence of mole people. (He could almost hear Jerry shouting “Their lava trade is the only explanation for global warming!” as the construction workers chased after their stolen equipment.)

Or perhaps the time they went to the aquarium and Misty thought it would be a brilliant idea to bring down the walls separating penguins and sharks. “So they could play together,” she had remarked, as various terrified children stared in horror at the dark sequel to Happy Feet playing in front of their eyes. Come to think of it, why had he footed the bill for that particular misadventure?

The point was, sitting in a bar on his 32nd birthday was much too normal for this eclectic group. Something had to be up, he knew that in his heart of hearts. He just prayed to whatever jokester entity that had governed his life up until this point would grant him this one exception.

Somewhere far, far away, a stoned asian lawyer cackled wildly.

“Nick! Nick! Here, my present!” said Fabio, pushing it into his hands.

Nick looked it over, listening for any ticks and shaking it gently to see if goop of any form would come out. Sighing blissfully, he slowly unwrapped the garishly wrapped present and saw...

Wait, what?

“Fabio, why did you get me a Pokeball?” I looked over at the model. It wasn’t bad by any means, but he wasn’t super into children’s video games.

Fabio laughed. “Well, actually it’s from all of us.” The others nodded, clearly in agreement.

Joe nodded. “Nick, it’s time we told you the secret of your heritage.”

“What.”

“Nick, it’s tradition for members of the Maiorano clan to go on a Pokemon adventure on their thirty-second birthday.” Tina beamed at him.

“What.”

Jenn put an arm on his shoulder. “I know this must be very difficult to process. Being the chosen one is a hard task.”

“It’s why we got a few drinks in you beforehand,” noted Candice with a laugh.

“Guys, this doesn’t make any sense even for your usual antics.” Nick stood up from the table. If he escaped now, he might be able to get away before the shenanigans inevitably occurred.

Shane stood in front of the entrance. No dice. “We’re dead serious. It’s your time to go on an adventure, and unfortunately no isn’t an answer.” An elderly couple brushed past Shane on the way out, and he rubbed his head sheepishly as he stepped out of the way.

Nick let out a sigh. “Ok, what do I have to do?” May as well get this over with.

Misty beamed at him. “We knew you’d come around! Well, basically today will serve as a training day of sorts. Getting you accustomed to your new path.”

“,,,okay.”

Nick felt a prick on his arm. Eyes wide, he glanced over. Jerry rubbed the back of his head, smiling at him.

“DUDE, what the hell?!”

“It’s the training simulation, Nick.” Jenn explained. Nick’s eyes felt droopy, and he slumped back into his prior seat. “Kind of think of it like the Matrix.”

“Ehhhhh, with this drug,” Fabio noted. “Maybe Alice in Wonderland is more apt.”

With one last bleary look, Nick glared at the assembled group.

“I hate you all.”

And then unconsciousness took him.

.....................................................................................

Nick, sputtered and choked on sand. This day was not going at all as he expected.

As he sat up and looked around he began to wonder where he was. He had never seen anything like this. Sand as far as the eye could see.

He knew there had to be water somewhere. He hoped anyway, after that mouthful of sand. He pushed up from the ground and began to walk. Nowhere in particular, but he knew he must keep moving.

As he walked, he had the strangest feeling he was being followed. Three separate times he turned quickly, trying to catch a glimpse of whatever was behind him. Finally, on the fourth attempt, he saw it. Well, not all of it, but enough to know what had crossed his path now.

The flash of dark purple and that characteristic grin. He knew this had to be a Gengar.

Quickly he opened his backpack and pulled out a pokeball. Now was his chance. He came face to face with Gengar and realized this poor creature was already damaged. He decided it was time and threw the pokeball in hopes of capturing his very first Pokemon.

With that he heard the click he had been waiting to hear. He quickly crossed over to pick up the pokeball, and it was then that he was reminded of his friend Tina and her enthusiastic smile as she had explained the Maiorano tradition earlier. He knew what to name this mischievous girl. He pulled out his pokedex…T - I - N - A.

As he quickly tucked the pokeball containing Gengar into his pack, he had a renewed confidence that he would find everything, or everyone...he was meant to find on this journey.



Gengar: Captured

...............................................................................................

After successfully catching and befriending Tina, his brand new Gengar, Nick continued to march through the oasis. The road was long and tiring. Nick's supplies were wearing thin as the hot, beating sun loomed above his head.

Suddenly, Nick's eyes opened wide. He could believe what his eyes were seeing far in the distance. There it was, smack dab in the middle of the desert, a fresh water lake. There was a stream. The sunlight was bouncing off of the clear blue water and it filled Nick's soul with happiness.

Nick started making his way towards it. But the more he progressed, the more it looked as if the lake was moving further and further away from him. Additionally, he kept feeling an ever growing headache as he inched further. Nick felt something was very very off.

After moving ahead a few hundred feet, Nick stopped in his tracks and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath. As he was trying to gather his thoughts his hand instinctively went to the side of his waist and he felt Tina's pokeball in his palm. In a swift motion he released her "TINA, I choose you. Cast a Confuse Ray!" Tina pounced out of the pokeball and attacked with a ferocious smile. Suddenly, the lake disappeared and Nick caught sight of a Psyduck with its hands pressed around it;s head. The Psyduck suffered a healthy dose of confusion because of Tina's attack. Nick knew what he had to do. "Pokeball GO!" With a flash and a click, the Psyduck was caught. Nick could feel his headache easing.

He looked at the newly caught Psyduck's pokeball with a smile. "You're a nasty little trouble maker eh? But you look kinda cute. You'll be my Misty". He tucked Misty's pokeball right besides Tina's, gathered his backpack and pressed forward.

Psyduck: Captured



.......................................................................................................

The days passed much like that, and Nick began to wonder if his previous life was the hallucination, and this was the real world.

...nah. The just give him some nasty shit. Jenn always had the right hook-ups for that kind of stuff.

Still, it was frustrating. It sure as hell felt real! And of course they sent him to some Oasis like world - he was dying of thirst even if he knew his body was passed out in a bar somewhere.

...wait, that wasn’t a given. Eyes wide, Nick moved with a BIT more purpose. There was no telling where he’d wake up if he didn’t.

Shortly after his battle with Misty, Nick ran into a group of Charmanders running a glass factory. He was actually somewhat impressed with the industrious nature of the bunch - when all you have is a hammer, find a nail. Or whatever that saying was.

Fondly recalling Joe’s pyrotechnics career (and the days in which the man still had eyebrows) he decided to kidnap catch one of the Charmanders and name it after him. He'd be proud of the capitalist usurpation Nick had pulled off, really.



Charmander: Captured

...........................................................................................................

Tina, Misty, Joe, and Nick moved on when the three of them saw something very yellow coming their way.



“Heeeeeeeeeey bitches...wassup, what are you doing in this hot desert?”

In front of them stood a yellow dog. Misty, Tina and Nick look at each other, confusion in their eyes. Pokemon could talk?

“Don't worry,” said the Pokemon - for some reason Nick was reminded of Fabio. “I'm lost in this desert too. I just lost all of my powers and I need some help to recover them. I need my negative ions, right now I'm just a dog.”

"I think I know what you are. Are you a Jolteon?" said Nick

Fabio looks at Nick in surprise.

"Yes, Mr. Nick!” said Fabio.

"I know what could recover your ions dog. From the look of your skin you look very dehydrated.” said Misty, testing out her newly discovered voice.

"But I don't have any water here.. “ said Fabio.

Misty smiles cutely.

"I'm Psyduck. The queen of water baby, let me get you some!"

Misty sprays a jet of water at Fabio. The electric dog happily laps it up, smiling brightly at them.

"Yeah I feel better now! So what are you guys doing here?"

"We want to find the other Pokemon, they’re scattered and lost in the sands.” said Tina.

"Really?! That's not cool, lemme see if my electricity can raise these sands."

Fabio releases a pulse of electricity, and a puff of sand is released, revealing an oasis in the distance.

"Is someone there? Oh my gosh we need to go there.” said Nick.



Jolteon: Captured

.............................................................


Nick couldn't believe it. There it was, AN actual Oasis in front of him.

Remembering his encounter with Misty, Nick eyed the water warily, deciding to steer clear of that and grab some coconuts.

Huh, they looked kinda odd - OH WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL WAS THAT CREATURE?

Shrieking, Nick threw out Joe and let him battle with the amphomorphic tree. If he remembered correctly, they were Exeggutor? Whatever, that unholy creature would be cleansed by the flames of Joe.

Eyeing the twitching mess on the floor and patting the beaming Joe on his head, Nick sighed and decided to catch the mess. It’s horrifying visage reminded him of Jenn, so he figured he’d name it that. There were worse reasons, he figured.



Exeggutor: Captured

.....................................................................

Nick further wondered around the oasis, casually observing the vegetation and wildlife around him. He decided to climb a nearby sand dune to get a better overlook of his surroundings. When he reached the top, he was enamored.

A giant pyramid was sunbathing over the hill, just a quarter mile from where Nick was. It stood up high, proudly watching its territory. Nick sighed to himself, saying, "I have to explore that, don't I?"

As he approached the entrance, a wild Primeape charged straight at Nick, as fast as a horse. Nick barely managed to jump out of the way in time, throwing Jenn out to fight. "Use hypnosis!" Nick yells, and Jenn follows orders.

The Primeape stumbles, and then Nick grins; he knows that the wild beast is his now. "Jenn, give him an egg bomb!" Suddenly, BOOM! Nick charged into the brief smoke cloud, tossing a pokeball inside of it to catch the Primeape as it faints. The smoke clears, and all that remains is a pokeball.

As Nick places it in his backpack, he thinks to himself, "You know, I'll name it Jerry, because that dude had some insane amounts of pride. Charged head first into battle too." He stares up at the entrance of the pyramid, then slowly forces himself inside.



Primeape: Captured

..........................................................................

As Nick left the orchard behind him, a swarm of venomous looking Scolipede surrounded him. They looked hungry and were eyeing the apples Nick had collected from the orchard for his journey ahead. The leader of the swarm eyed Nick and signaled to his swarm to fall back. He was challenging Nick to a one-on-one battle for the fruit.

Nick took his fighting stance and yelled "JOE, I choose you". Nick's energetic Charmander jumped out and stared down the scary looking Scolipede with confidence. "Your move." said Nick to his foe. The Scolipede screeched which made both Nick and Joe cover their ears.

"Use smokescreen, Joe" yelled Nick almost on instinct. Charmander breathed out a thick black fog which covered the area and he hid himself in it. The Scolipede's tail glowed and he started swinging all around the fog. Eventually it hit Joe who fell to the ground right in front of Nick. He took a hard hit from Scolipede's poison tail and was having trouble standing up.

"You can do it, Joe!" Nick encouraged his friend to stand up and fight. With a lot of effort Joe stood up and looked poise for one final push. "Put everything you have into a final flamethrower and let's end this!" Joe summoned up all his inner strength and breathed out a massive sheet of fire that encompassed the Scolipede, burning him through and through.

Both Joe and the Scolipede fell to the ground at the same time. "Pokeball, go!" and just like that Nick captured his most daunting foe yet. Nick picked Joe up in his arms and looked at him with pride "You were amazing. Now time to rest up dear friend." He summoned Joe back into his pokeball.

As Nick was leaving the site of the fierce battle, he spread out a couple apples for the Scolipede's swarm to share among themselves. "I'll name this guy after my old pal Shane. This little guy is as fierce as Shane was back home." Nick charged forward with a renewed gusto.



Scolipede: Captured

............................................................................

Eyeing the seven pokeballs on his belt, Nick knew his adventure was almost over. He’d finally get back to the real world and out of this deranged fantasy of his.

...although a small part of him would miss the new friends he made. They were quite similar to the ones he already had, except they didn’t talk nearly as much. Blissful, really.

His eyes snapped into focus as a creature appeared in front of him, seemingly out of thin air. It was small and petite - hell, it even looked like it was sleeping. But it had an aura of mystique Nick knew would be dangerous, and the spoons in its hands looked dangerous.

Throwing Fabio out to battle, the electric dog happily zigged and zagged toward its opponent. Charging his body with electricity, he released a bolt of lightning at the sleeping creature.

The spoons bent. And suddenly the creature was nowhere to be seen.

Oh. Goddamit. It was gonna be one of THOSE battles, wasn’t it?

Over the course of the next week, Nick tried again and again to catch the slippery creature - Abra, if he recalled correctly.

Finally, after a three day run, he leapt on to the Abra and stole it’s damn spoons, Pokemon battle be damned. It tried to stand and run but Nick leisurely tossed out Shane and let it fight the thrice damned thing for a bit. He needed to release some pent up frustrations, and the large poison Pokemon was perfect for that.

A beaten and battered Abra lied twitching on the ground, and Nick throw a Pokeball at it. By process of elimination, he assumed this was Candice - and given her penchant for stealing silverware, he figured. How could he forget, when she occasionally used him as an (involuntary) method of smuggling her ill gotten gains out. Man, explaining why there was a knife in his underwear had been a fun time.

He smiled once more. Yeah, getting that Abra had let out a lot of frustrations.

Nick began to blink blearily, before falling into the sand the surrounded him. The eight pokeballs he was carrying fell off his person, surrounding him in a circle.



Abra: Captured

.....................................................................................

Nick blearily opened his eyes. His eight friends were looking down at him worriedly. He could distinctly smell the sea air, and the gentle rocking below him let him know he was at sea.

He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Explain.”

Joe rubbed his head sheepishly. “Welllllll, you see...”

“Look, Nick,” said Candice, interrupting him. “Your always such a prude when it comes to fun drugs. We figured, ehy, it was as believable a story as any.”

“Being the heir to a family tradition of hunting mythical creatures from a children’s video game series?”

“Glad you agree.”

“But -”

“However, what we didn’t plan.” Nick glared at Misty for interrupting him. “Was you going crazy. You started babbling like a mad man, running through the streets and into buildings - hell you even tried to catch us. We each tried to stop you, but you kinda just...”

“Your the most fit of this bunch,” laughed Jerry.

“So we just kinda ended up following you until you collapsed.” said Fabio.

“So why are we on a boat now?”

“Fleeing the country for a bit while we wait for the heat to cool down. Figure we’ll go to an island, make our own little tribe of sorts, maybe play an elimination game for a million dollars.”

Nick sighed.

Yup, he was right to be worried. A pretty typical birthday.