In the beginning there was Debbie.

Before her, there was nothing, and she was bored. So with a powerful sneeze and a phlegm-filled cough, she molded the stars and the moon, and the sun was borne from her beauty alone. The stars were jealous, and some ran away to create the rest of the universe in isolation from the sun that was fortunate enough to come from Debbie.

As time went on, Debbie’s skin became leathered from the sun’s heat. Hundreds of years went by and bacteria began to grow in the crevices of her ancient skin. Being bacteria spawned from majesty, the cells quickly morphed into fully fledged creatures, and animals and plants began to thrive. Debbie smiled at her creation. Damn, she was good.

A few million years went by and Debbie grew bored again. The velociraptors had lost their appeal and the stegosauruses were only useful when picking food out of her teeth. So she screamed and lifeforms disintegrated. It took time, but eventually more creatures began to grow from her leathery skin cracks, and a new world was made with humans that shared a likeness to Debbie’s own image. This she liked and would not grow bored of.

Time passed and Debbie decided it was time to assimilate into the culture she had produced. She was the origin of species, but she wanted to live with them and experience the world they did. It would be a difficult and arduous process but Debbie, as always, had faith in herself and especially in her acting ability. T-rexes used to love her humor, why wouldn’t Deblings? Or humans, as they had come to call themselves. She still thought Debling rolled off the tongue smoother, but she digressed. Joining society proved harder than she had thought. Everyone could tell instantly how much prettier and smarter and better at all tasks imaginable she was, and the jealousy made people uneasy. Debbie did no wrong though, that’s for sure. She was just too amazing.

It didn’t take long for her to find people to call her own, though. She had joined the other Deblings during the time of Napolean, because she really loved those turned up hats, and it only took her until about the election of Barack Obama to really find her footing. Not long at all for a being who had been around since before the first orgasm. And once she found them, she knew exactly what they needed to do.

“Let’s go find the gold treasure of Ifbith!” she exclaimed, and her new family, her faithful followers (although they seemed to agree that she, in fact, was a follower, but that was totally not the case), agreed enthusiastically.
So they set off for treasure and Debbie was never alone again.


----


I looked back over my shoulder as I crested the dune, resting momentarily, while my family struggled up behind me. It had been a long journey, and we were all eager to get to our destination. The journey across the desert was only the beginning though, and I could see the excitement as we thought about our next task.

As you looked at our group of nine, you wouldn’t think we were family. And we weren’t according to conventional thinking, but we were closer than any actual family. We had been though struggles, both internal and external. We had our bonds, loyalties and trust tested, and had come out stronger for it.

Yes, we're more “family” than any family I’ve ever known.


And we had a common goal. We were searching for the treasure of Ifbith … and if the map was correct, we had just arrived at the oasis where we would find it.
Our only obstacle was having to defeat, trick, steal it from the native race that watched over it.

The troll-like Chikoritas…




----


Yul Kwan stood at the center of two groups, donning a blue button-up shirt, a baseball cap, and a grin. He turned to each group, asking them what they called themselves.

The two newly formed tribes whispered amongst themselves, some quieter than others. A few names were passed around on each. This went on for a while. Then Yul asked for their answers.

"Chikorita! We're Chikorita!!" screeched a young member of the silver tribe. The others there shrugged and offered no opposition.

"Nebu?" Aubry suggested. "It means gold in Egyptian." There were a few nods.

"Debu? Alright! Debu vs Chikorita!" Yul exclaimed.

Someone spoke up to correct him. "Actually... no, we're--"

"Ifbith."

Everyone turned to stare at the previously quiet old model as she walked forward. The gold crowd questioned her a bit.

"Ifbith," she repeated, "it's Oasisian for Gold." She smiled, knowingly, a sparkle in her eye. She'd been here before, and she knew that once again, the name Ifbith would mean great, great things. Each member of the new Ifbith carrying the virtues and legacy of the old. Their golden fires would once again defeat the trolls known as Chikorita.

Yul squinted for a minute. He didn't understand. Nor did anyone else. But Debbie just smiled at him, and he sighed. "Fine... you can be Ifbith."

The golden Ifbith tribe nodded and prepared themselves for battle.

"Survivors ready? Go!"

There was Ibrehim, the proud warrior who banded them together. Quiet, firm, a good man. Not bad on the eyes, either.

Next was Robert. He was a wise old scholar. Physically frail, but he knew each and every legend Debbie had ever invented by heart, so he amused her.

Joanna, the strong, courageous and independant woman from the ATL. Her greatest achievement was when she became a born-again Christian ... which made her a better person. She worshipped mother Africa, drank blood, the usual for one of those. She claimed to feel something divine about Debbie. She was Debbie's favorite.

And finally, Coach, who had led the group before Debbie came along. As mighty and powerful as he was, he knew that even the Dragonslayer was no match for Debbie herself




We reached the mouth of the cavern the vile Chikorita called home. It didn't look like much, just a crack in the cliffside, but I knew... oh I knew what those little trolls had inside.

The tribe looked unconvinced, though.

"This is the great hiding place of the grandest treasure the world has ever known? A hole??"

I just smiled.

We each entered the cave. The mortals struggled to get in, not being cleverly compact as I was. We decended further and further. The tribe bickered and complained and whispered amongst themselves. Aubry called it a deathtrap. Robert had to be held by the arm a few times to get down the tall stone steps. I just marched along and paid them no mind.

It wasn't long until we found them... the Chikorita. I never make mistakes, but if I did, they would be it. Disgusting creatures for the most part. Gray little things with fangs... with one exception. I looked around. No sign of the treasure. We would have to deal with these things, first.

"CHARGE!!!" Coach. Of course. The second he laid eyes on the Chikorita, he needed to fight. So much for stealth!

The Ifbith ran in, spears and axes blazing, and the Chikorita fought back just as quickly. I watched them as they struggled. One fell from one tribe, then one from another. When it started to look like my people might lose, I knew I had to step in.

My whistle filled the air and echoed off the cavern walls. Everyone stopped to look at me, as they should. Then, I pulled out one of the trinkets I had invented. I called it a Flippy-brighty, but in five thousand years when one of the mortals created one themselves, they would call it a lighter.

The Chikorita were overwhelmed, and soon they were tripping over themselves to leave the cave. When the eight of them were gone, the fallen members of my tribe picked themselves up, brushed themselves off, and stared at my light.

I had won. I always do.

With the trolls cleared, the mortals picked through their things. They seemed to like the gold and jewels, but that wasn't what I was here for.

No, I saw the door that would lead me to my new prized possession. I walked over, and proudly opened it.

I smiled. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever created.


"No! No!!! NO NO NO NOT YOU AGAIN!!!" screamed the voice inside.

He tried to run, but I stopped him. I placed a ring on his finger, and then another on mine. He tried to leave, but couldn't. He was bound by the power of holy matrimony.

"Everyone! Meet my new husband, Nick!"

I had found my treasure.


And the Ifbith found some stuff too, I suppose.