I am obviously the originator of species

intro:


In the beginning there was Debbie.
Before her, there was nothing, and she was bored. So with a powerful sneeze and a phlegm-filled cough, she molded the stars and the moon, and the sun was borne from her beauty alone. The stars were jealous, and some ran away to create the rest of the universe in isolation from the sun that was fortunate enough to come from Debbie.
As time went on, Debbie’s skin became leathered from the sun’s heat. Hundreds of years went by and bacteria began to grow in the crevices of her ancient skin. Being bacteria spawned from majesty, the cells quickly morphed into fully fledged creatures, and animals and plants began to thrive. Debbie smiled at her creation. Damn, she was good.
A few million years went by and Debbie grew bored again. The velociraptors had lost their appeal and the stegosauruses were only useful when picking food out of her teeth. So she screamed and lifeforms disintegrated. It took time, but eventually more creatures began to grow from her leathery skin cracks, and a new world was made with humans that shared a likeness to Debbie’s own image. This she liked and would not grow bored of.
Time passed and Debbie decided it was time to assimilate into the culture she had produced. She was the origin of species, but she wanted to live with them and experience the world they did. It would be a difficult and arduous process but Debbie, as always, had faith in herself and especially in her acting ability. T-rexes used to love her humor, why wouldn’t Deblings? Or humans, as they had come to call themselves. She still thought Debling rolled off the tongue smoother, but she digressed. Joining society proved harder than she had thought. Everyone could tell instantly how much prettier and smarter and better at all tasks imaginable she was, and the jealousy made people uneasy. Debbie did no wrong though, that’s for sure. She was just too amazing.
It didn’t take long for her to find people to call her own, though. She had joined the other Deblings during the time of Napolean, because she really loved those turned up hats, and it only took her until about the election of Barack Obama to really find her footing. Not long at all for a being who had been around since before the first orgasm. And once she found them, she knew exactly what they needed to do.
“Let’s go find the gold treasure of Ifbith!” she exclaimed, and her new family, her faithful followers (although they seemed to agree that she, in fact, was a follower, but that was totally not the case), agreed enthusiastically.
So they set off for treasure and Debbie was never alone again.

that's LITERALLY how it went down too I am in love with this