EPISODE FOUR: THE UNDEAD ARE NOT CAPABLE OF HAPPINESS
AIRDATE: 09/24/2013




Both: EVIL KIM AND EVIL ERINNNNN!

Evil Kim: Hello, evil fans!

Evil Erinn: I'm Evil Erinn!

Evil Kim: And I'm Evil Kim. As you know, Evil Erinn and I recently discovered a crack in the space-time continuum, which revealed to us the presence of Lame Kim and Lame Erinn, a pair of goody two-shoes Survivor players who host a morning show very similar to ours.

Evil Erinn: Well, you can't really call them goody two-shoes, Evil Kim. They don't have ANY shoes, since we stole their shoelaces. Mwahahahaa!! Throughout their gameplay we have done our very best to riff the two apart and alter their gameplay, unfortunately for us, they've managed to overcome most of the odds.

Evil Kim: Seriously, how did they manage to be on the same tribe EVERY time?

Evil Erinn: And leaving Anthony in really backfired for us, I though he'd ensure they go to the elimination during the triathalon.

Evil Kim: Yeah, I have no idea how they pulled that off. Even after we sucked Anthony's soul of his body and left him a lifeless, inanimate corpse, they still somehow managed to survive.

Evil Erinn: Let's talk about their greatest accomplishment real quick.... We put a terrible creature into the game with them in order to make them self destruct. The beast, or Sierra, as we call it, has literally thrown them under the bus every round and yet people still have not eliminated either of them.

Evil Kim: Frankly, Evil Erinn, I'm amazed that Sierra is still alive. How many hallucinogens did you feed it before releasing it into the game?

Evil Erinn: 17, and the last thing I showed her was Miley Cyrus' VMA performance. I don't know how anyone is functioning in the game! That was truly evil!

Evil Kim: We have definitely underestimated the Lame Timeline. I thought for sure that our ploy with Jenn would work. We raised her from the dead, and put her in the game, then she tripped on a rock, and her soul fell out. So then she was... I dunno... Un-un-undead? And then she died.

Evil Erinn: ResaRessurction. a terrible investment on our part.

Evil Kim: But not entirely, Evil Erinn! Using a vacuum cleaner and some funnel cake, I managed to partially recreate the souls of the people we've killed!

Evil Erinn: The physics in this timeline are a lot more fun than in the lame timeline.

Evil Kim: Yes they are. Our physics have no laws, only guidelines. Which, like Anthony's ribs, are easily broken. Speaking of Anthony and Jenn, Kim, I believe we can actually talk to them right now. They're on the line!

Anthony: Hi.

Evil Erinn: Anthony, thanks SO much for FINALLY talking to someone to let us know you're alive. Thank you SO much.

Anthony: Why are you leaving?

Evil Erinn: I'm not leaving Anthony. You were the one that left, remember? Remember, you left after you helped Kim and I out SO much...

Anthony: I think you are mistaken.

Evil Erinn: Anthony, just to clear things up with the audience, where have you been?

Anthony: Give an example of a good thing that has happened that makes you believe you are male.

Evil Erinn: What....?

Anthony: I think you might be human.

Evil Erinn: I am human... Anthony.... are you a human?

Anthony: Yes, are you.

Evil Erinn: Are you a human?

Anthony: Yes man.

Evil Erinn: *In my mind, I knew he was a robot, but I could see it in his eyes. He thought he was real. Was I crazy? Or was I onto the missing puzzle piece GSurvivor 3?

Evil Kim: Evil Erinn, how many times have I told you, you're not supposed to say your inner monologue out loud?

Evil Erinn: *Evil Kim, had she been pestering me? Or was she trying to push me of the trail... Was I crazy? Or was I onto something.* Sorry.

Evil Kim: Anyway, we have our dearly departed friend Jennifer here. Jenn, how are things in the after-afterlife?

Jenn: Are all Jenn how things in the after-afterlife?

Evil Kim: Moving right along, what would you say to fans who think that your sudden inactivity was just an incredibly meta way of truly embodying the Jenn Lyon character?

Jenn: Where are you going?

Evil Kim: I'm going to grab a hatchet. I don't want you biting me and turning me undead.

Jenn: I am very happy for you. Ok I will not be,

Evil Erinn: I wouldn't listen to her, Evil Kim.

Evil Kim: That's true. The undead are not capable of happiness.

Jenn: You are not a killer.

Evil Kim: Bet you $10?

Jenn: I lost my train of thought.

Evil Kim: Geeze, Jenn, focus! That's the problem with undead these days, they get distracted too easily.

Evil Erinn: Jenn, you're a zombie. Plan and simple.

Jenn: Am I a zombie? I don't know.

Evil Kim: Now, listen up, Jenn. We need you to go to the Lame timeline, and try to kill Lame Kim and Lame Erinn. Do you think you can handle that?

Jenn: By "We" do you mean you and me? I can handle it.

Evil Kim: Well, obviously you CAN'T handle it, Jenn! Zombie Charlie beat you to it!

Evil Erinn: You know Kim, I think putting Zombie Charlie into the game may be the smartest thing, if only smartest thing, we've done.

Evil Kim: Hush, Evil Erinn! We've done plenty of smart things!

Evil Erinn: I know Evil Kim, but let's face it. Lately, our track record isn't very good. :-\

Evil Kim: Hey! Where are you getting this "our" stuff? I was the one who said we should have implicated Lame Kim and Lame Erinn in a grinding scandal.

Evil Erinn: I know, I know. But dammit Evil Kim, we can't turn on each other! We need Lame Kim and Lame Erinn to turn on each other... we need to think of some more tricks. Did you make sure Dave got the nullifier like we planned before?

Evil Kim: Yes. I also used my admin powers to switch around the posts so that Charlie would get immunity.

Evil Erinn: Perfect. And Becky got the 3 votes?

Evil Kim: No, darnit! She fell asleep.

Evil Erinn: Then who has the 3 votes? Please tell me our secret weapon Sierra managed to get it.

Evil Kim: Well, she did post her bid correctly. Well, no, that's a lie. She gave me her password so I could bid on her behalf, but I forgot that I was still logged in as Kim when I posted it. :-( By the time I logged out and logged back in as Sierra, it was too late.

Evil Erinn: .... =-o so Lame Kim has it...

Evil Kim: Technically, I have it. But... yes.

Evil Erinn: Dammit, dammit, dammit. I just can't see what we can do to ruin these girls!

Evil Kim: Well, for all we know, they'll get idoled out this round. Don't lose hope!

Evil Erinn: My fingers are crossed.

Jenn: Where did you get your fingers crossed?

Evil Erinn: Jenn.... you need to leave.

Evil Kim: *brandishes hatchet*

Evil Erinn: Ahhhh! Sorry. I'm just not used to that..

Evil Kim: What, really? I mean... I killed Garrett in here last week.

Evil Erinn: Yeah, but that was Garrett. I don't know. :-\

Evil Kim: My point is, you should be used to gratuitous violence by now. Why, only last week, you beat Katie's Boobs to death with a cheese grater.

Evil Erinn: I know... hatchets, though... they creep me out. I mean, how do they even work? I don't know, Evil Kim.

Evil Kim: What, seriously?

Evil Erinn: Are they axes? Like, a cheese grater is understandable. It's a grater.

Evil Kim: They're like if axes had little brothers who weren't as cool.

Evil Erinn: Reminds me of Curtis and his little brother Shawn.(AYO)

Evil Kim: Oh snap!

Evil Erinn: And that's why they call me Evil Erinn!

Evil Kim: Alright, Evil Erinn, I think we've sown the seeds of mayhem pretty well this round. Shall we adjourn to the parallel universe portal and see how it shapes out?

Evil Erinn: I think we shall, Evil Kim.

Evil Kim: I'll teach you to use a hatchet, too.

Evil Erinn: No foolin?

Evil Kim: They're quite handy for lopping off limbs. Much better than bonesaws - no short power cords to hinder your attempts at maiming.

Evil Erinn: You're the best, Evil Kim :-)

Evil Kim: I know. Now let's watch those two lame girls writhe in agony! *Opens vortex*

Both: EVIL KIM AND EVIL ERINNNNN!