so, that was the worst round of the game, by far. during tribal council, i talked to david, and he told me he was worried that i was in danger, because dave had been trying to organize a plan that would get me voted out. it sounded very true. i dont know if it was but i think it was, but anyway there was also mention of the girls possibly going against me, but he didn't wnat that to happen and he didn't want kim to be voted out or anything...

anyway, i asked the girls the about it in, well, my accidentally scournful tone that i always get when i get emotional, because i am stupid. and that did not go over well. but having just been called out by kim for talking to dave, before, and having had erinn take me out first in the snowball challenge (a smart strategic move if you want to win the challenge, is all that really was), i got very jumpy. EXTREMELY jumpy. and so i said i had an idol and just needed to know who to vote with it, what was actualyl going on, and kim and i "workd through it". honestly, i think i've alienated her completely. i think i've burned that bridge, for the most part.

and then i did that public tyrade against dave. i even made a plan with becky and jay to get kim out, which i had to later fold on (but i was only able to tal kto jay about folding on it before hand so that might easily bite me in the ass).

anyway, the next morning dave and i talked and he made the case that the girls were the first to turn on me, and that he only did when he realized i didn't trust him. and that i was working with the girls. i ended up doing another idiot thing and showing him a lot of the convo i had with david the night before... and dave got upset at david, or atleast he acted it, and became part of the plan to get out kim, because at that point i became convinced that was my only move.

and i'm still lost and totally confused as to what the truth is. all i really know is that i shot myself in the foot several times while vehemently chasing down stories i didn't even know were real or not. idiotically. run around like a crazy person freaking out at people without any real proof.

but hey, you've seen me do that before, haven't you? insane sierra had to show up eventually, i guess.


and now it's my turn for radio silence. i think... all i can do is tell david i am sorry for talking to dave and for losing my mind, i don't think i am good for him, and we probably should cut communication. it's my fault and i screwed up something that could have been really good for both of us...

and tell dave the same thing sans the apology. just tell him we are not good together, it's just not working out, as much as i wanted it to before, it started to deteriorate with the jenn situation and just never could be saved after that. we have differing views on how to go forward in the game, and i really like him but it just isn't going to work.


and then i'll STFU.





now the problem is, going forward, aras wants to vote kim next. he didn't want to last round, and i'm glad he didn't because it would have been a huge mistake (thank you aras for calming me down and keeping me in check, that's hugely appreciated). charlie was a bigger threat because we wouldn't have the numbers to get him this time, kim we do have the numbers. or atleast it would appear that way, unless dave goes and tells her even more shit about me when i break the news of my impending radio silence to him, or if jay and becky decide it's not worth trusting me to actually vote kim this time... but anyway, i don't want to vote kim, for a very emotional reason. it just doesn't feel right.


so... i'm going to struggle with that for awhile, and prey that we win this challenge because i am at the end of my rope as far as stress from this game goes. i need some time to reel myself back in before the next vote, especially if it's going to be an extremely emotional and depressing one... not to mention a scary one.



*sighs*... sierra, sierra, you mischevious little girl. why'd you have to get in with basically everyone, tell everyone what they want to hear, grin at them all to their faces knowing all the while it'll result only in becoming the villain.

maybe i am in fact that very cat that i've been so aimlessly chasing around.

:-/

there, done saying my bit to david and dave.

dave was not around to reply, thankfully. david was but he just nodded and agreed and said "sure, bye" kind of thing.





i dont know if that will be beneficial or not... but i feel better now, atleast. now i just have to let erinn and kim know, when i see them, and let aras know. and maybe katie.


... yeah... i don't know.

maybe this made me look the kind of pathetic i wanted to look. maybe, maybe not.


you know, not that i was ever the greatest at this game or anything, but i really used to do better than i feel like i'm doing now.

Holy shit.... You wrote a novel I'll be loving this later

i'm due for a novel after going so long sucking at confessionals. :)