(T-8):

I decide to go to bed at a healthy hour of 10PM! I can’t wait to have a great, relaxing, refreshing day tomorrow. Who knows how productive I’ll be? Who knows what I can do!

Pictured: A reenactment of me sleeping, before this fateful day:

Spoiler	+

(T-0):

I wake up on the side of the road, disoriented as all Hell. This is not my beautiful bed. And this is not my beautiful bus stop. It’s the rocky hard road. I examine my surroundings and see a ski lift in the distance, as well as a bus stop in front of me. I couldn’t be too far from home, right?

Spoiler	+

But as I look at the bus stop a little closer, my worst fears come true..

Spoiler	+
Good God. I must be in Amish country.

With only my clothes and my two feet, I decide I must make my own way home. I walk a bit down the road, searching for any sort of sign of where I am, or any people. Along the way, I see something frightening.

Spoiler	+
I’m not in Amish country, as I feared. But it seems like I am in some sort of glitchy computer simulation? Clearly I have been abducted by the CIA for testing.

I get a better view as I walk a bit further, and finally get some information as to where I am.

Spoiler	+
Definitely not in Amish country. I decide to follow this non glitched sign.

I take some time to admire the beauty.

Spoiler	+
Amen, sister!

(T+1):

On my journey across this bridge I Find another glitch in the matrix.

Spoiler	+
Whoever designed this simulation did a shoddy job.

I wander across the bridge and into another small town. I am yet to see any people, but I do find some animals!

Spoiler	+
They seem quite unwilling to give me directions!

(T+2):

This is the most civilization I have seen in my journey so far!

Spoiler	+
A real! Life! Parking! Lot! Also this restaurant is attached to some sort of chain café in Switzerland I guess? https://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g188066-d982543-Reviews-Brasserie_Le_Cardinal-Neuchatel.html The food looks REALLY good tbh!

I also see….good God I see my first person!

Spoiler	+
It is horrific. His eyes have been blurred and he only stares at me with his soulless face. I move on quickly.

Switzerland is so gray (in these shots anyway) but so pretty!

Spoiler	+

(T+3):

At this point I manage to walk a complete circle. Which really is for the best because I forgot to take a picture of this really funny truck.

Spoiler	+
I have no idea what it says, but it honestly sounds really urgent. Someone pick up that barrel!

And then I see a woman on the cutest bike I’ve ever seen

Spoiler	+
Look at that thing! So tiny! So compact!

And then I see a sign. What does it mean?

Spoiler	+
WHAT DOES IT MEAN???????????

I cross another bridge and a van is coming right at me. I am going to die.

Spoiler	+

But then I took a step and….

Spoiler	+
It was gone… Queue twilight zone music

(T+4):

More animals!

Spoiler	+
These MIGHT be the same animals I saw earlier. I’m really not sure.

Also I find a very useful road sign!

Spoiler	+
Zurich, that’s like one of three cities in Switzerland that I recognize. Let’s roll.

Then I pass by a farm stand

Spoiler	+

(T+5)

I pass by a store called Chicherio. I took a guess as to what it was – my guess was that Chicherio was a café.

Spoiler	+
Here’s their website… I’m not totally sure what they do but it’s not food.

I find another street sign and … ruh roh

Spoiler	+
Where the FUCK is Zurich? Oh well, I’m sure one of these places has an airport.

(T+6):

I took one wrong click and…

Spoiler	+
Help! I’m stuck in an office plaza! (I srsly can’t figure out how to get out of here, will this be the end?)

I escape the office plaza. This place seems like a good time:

Spoiler	+
The more flags the better. I’m pretty sure that’s a law of physics.

Then I hit a roundabout. I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous.

Spoiler	+
WHICH WAY DO I GO?

(T+7):

Lotsa highway, not too interesting. Here’s a pretty shot.

Spoiler	+

Wow look at these gas prices

Spoiler	+
$1.78/gal? so cheap! /s

A good sign!

Spoiler	+
Literally!

BUT THEN TRAGEDY STRUCK……

Spoiler	+
Can’t go forward. Then, I go backwards… And I can’t keep on going in that direction either :(

(T+infinity):

I made it so far… came so close to finding an airport in Zurich. But I was trapped on one stretch of road. I went in one direction, and a wall appeared. Then I turned around…and found another wall. I could not move.

Damn glitchy government simulations.


AN UNFORUTNATE ENDING!! I was getting really close to Zurich and was hoping to get some stressful city navigating in. But I couldn’t figure out how to get out of that stretch of road. Ah well, hope you enjoyed some nice views of the Switzerland country side!

The time has come for our silly looking car to make it to the airport. In two previous South African journey's, I was able to finally make my way to a plane. In the third BBPE, I got lost in Spanish madness and was unable to. And now it's the rubber match! And no matter where I land, no matter how many strange folks stare at my weird looking car, no matter how many dead animals I encounter... I... WILL... FIND... THIS... AIRPORT!!!!

Spoiler

+

And here we are. A good a starting point as any. Empty road. Wilderness. Ambigious. Where could we be? Could be anywhere! Let us go. Based off the website located on the building next to me (ending in .cz), I can see pretty early we are in the Czech Republic, a country I only know exists because of the sheer amount of webcam models and fake Tinder accounts that hail from there. And we are heading to... Distillery Land? Cool? Wh... what's this? The grass has gotten greener, the sky dimmer and it seems we have been invaded by a wild group of metalheads. I don't like this. I don't like their stupid faces all slowly turning to stare at me either. I CAN STARE AT YOU TOO! Look at these humans. Look at them! We must escape them. A few miles down this strange road and the hordes of metalheads continue. The stares continue. I'm growing tired of this. And just like that, passing this magical gas station has caused these humans to vanish into the night. I look back to make sure and they are indeed gone. Never to return... hopefully. With the metalheads gone we now head into civilization! Architecture! Cars! Humans not in studded vests and jorts. People still are, however, very fascinated with my car. I have a funny feeling this lady is not going to let me pass and is just going to fucking walk-- YEAH YOU BETTER RUN Congratulations on the safely waddling across the street, thanks for not causing Google a large lawsuit. And... hey, what's going on here? CAN I HELP YOU? STOP STARING AT ME Wonderful. We've reached our very first dead end! I'm sure it'll be one of many. Back tracking... now. A few miles back and a sharp left take us here, a different part of this very European town. And onward we... oh no. No! NO! Be gone you heathen! Back to the festival with you! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! Yes, yes, hello. Don't mind me. YEAH I GET IT, I'M A MONSTER PLS This lady is also very tired of these metalheads clogging up the streets Cool banana beer, nerds Nice!!!! =D Many, many more metalheads clogging up the streets and talking IN FRONT OF MY CAR! See that lovely couple there in the middle? I'm going to run them down, RIGHT NOW! Oh. They've magically vanished again. Moving on! Hey that's my hat Wait a minute isn't that the lady who.... It is! These metalhead bastards have caused me to go in a complete circle! I'm going elsewhere. Not going through that crowd again. An alternate turn takes me here, what appears to be the road to another town away from these heathen and a very encouraging sign, warning of disintegrating roads We are indeed on the open road. This could be a good or bad thing, depending on where we're heading. A highway would be nice. Beware of rocket ships Many miles of nothing leads us to a huge church in the distance which will lead us directly to... Another empty road with slightly deader trees. Huh. A major decision up ahead! Do we go to lonely little Vsetin or do we go right and have an option of going to any of these three towns I'm not going to attempt to pronounce? Vsetin it is! Fuck it, all or nothing. This is going to end poorly. And... here we are. I've made a huge mistake. Great. Just great. Already at a dead end. Excuse me? What the fuck is happening why did I suddenly enter a building? HELP ME!!! How about a sign pointing to the NEAREST FUCKING EXIT? This is it! The driveway! But... what? Can't go forward? Nice!!! I figured it out. Hey that place sucked. How about a private little road with four very suspicious men staring at me? Sure, let's go. Whoa! What a surprise, a dead end. Does Czech Kmart have a Czech Shadow with a Czech Scruff? Fucking roundabouts. They are the death of any airport finder. But that... somehow worked. Back on the road again! Another choice. I shall go to Val Mezirici. These three men enjoying an ice cream cone make me feel very good about finding this airport. This police officer giving this lady a ticket makes me feel very good about finding this airport. This warning sign being knocked over makes me feel very good about finding this airport. Me being thrown from this bridge into an alley that I cannot proceed through makes me feel very bad about finding this airport. However, down this otherwise inaccessable road lies a very good place to call home instead.