Round 1 - Poll 6: Nobert Fanfic

Challenge: The two opponents must each write a chapter of the beloved series, "Nobert."

For those unfamiliar: http://www.ndimforums.com/fe/thread.asp?threadid=1083&pagenum=1&pp=15

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Wikey vs Zersch! Each will write a chapter of Nobert. They can write their chapter about anything they wish, and it can me as long or short as they'd like it to be.

You've got 24 hours. Extension only if you both agree to it. Your 24 hours starts...NOW!

3:06:28 AM – The Living Room

The static crackled furiously as Nobert yet again found himself sliding through time, space, and filmography. Though frightened and alone, Nobert calmed himself by thinking that maybe one day he would be to Canada what Theodore Logan and Bill S. Preston were to America. It was a nice thought to be a hero, pioneer, or just a totally awesome dude. After all he had come a long way from his dank bedroom. He had interacted with so many people that he was nearly comfortable being a person himself.

The sound of static built to a crescendo as Nobert was birthed into a new location, dumped onto his ass upon a hardwood floor in an upscale suburban home. “OoOoh men, this plaAaAce doesn’t loOoOk so...” Nobert stopped short, taken aback and fearful of his own wailing. He glanced around in a panic until he spotted a mirror on the wall that he moved towards. What he saw was… nothing. He had no reflection. Something had obviously gone horribly wrong during this trip. “ProOoOblem. ProOoOblem!!!” Nobert shrieked as he rapidly floated in a circle around the middle of the room. Just when he was getting comfortable in his own skin, it seemed he had slid right out of it.

That’s when he saw it and stopped in his tracks. The family computer, tucked away on an oaken desk in the corner of the living room. “OoOoh men! LeEeEt!!” He moved towards it and went to furiously clack away on the keyboard to hack the planet and get the fuck out of his current predicament to no avail. Every time he tried to touch something, it would be violently thrown across the room to crash against a wall and explode into bits and pieces. He mourned the loss of the computer and had a sad. He would have to just wait for the static.


3:08:47 AM – The Bedroom

Katie’s slumber was interrupted by the frightening sounds coming from the living room. She sighed upon hearing a ghastly wail followed by what was the sound of the keyboard hitting the wall, but to her sounded like any number of times the wireless keyboard had slid from her husband's lap while he was "working". She rubbed her weary sleep covered eyes and looked to the clock. “Jesus Christ,” Katie said in a huff as she saw the time, “if he’s in there treating his body like an amusement park while watching cuckold porn again, I swear to god...“

“It ain’t me this time.” The voice of her husband cut her off. Seems the noises had woken him as well. Katie sat up in the bed and worriedly looked between Micah and the doorway leading out of their bedroom. Suddenly Micah watching questionable pornography was the more comforting explanation for the noises. “Micah you have to go see what is going on in there, it sounds like a tornado just touched down in our living room.” As if on cue there came a loud crash coupled with the shattering of glass. Micah looked less than thrilled by the prospect of investigating, but he reluctantly slid out of bed and retrieved a baseball bat from their closet.

“Whatever you do, do not leave this room. I'll be right back.”


3:12:36 AM – The Living Room

“OoOoOoOh men…” Nobert was still floating over what was once the nice desk and family PC. Now it was just a shattered heap of splintered wood and glass. As were a lot of things in the room. Nobert held his hands away from himself, afraid of their super destructive powers. Things were so much simpler when he was an awkward person and not an awkward monster. Would he ever know the blissful touch of his own hand again? This was the thought that troubled him the most.

Nobert dejectedly drifted through the saloon-style doors leading to the kitchen. Maybe some bacon and poutine would fix everything. The doors violently slung inward as he passed through them, but he was beyond caring. “OoOh men… so saAad…” Nobert the depressed poltergeist floated around fucking everything up as he searched for delicious Canadian foods. The more things change, the more things stay the same, it seemed. He desperately wanted the static to show up again so that he could move on from this cursed incarnation.

The floorboards in the living room creaked. Nobert spun to face the disheveled saloon-style doors.


3:15:05 AM – The Living Room

“…What the fuck…” Micah muttered under his breath as he entered the ruins of his living room. He briefly entertained his wife’s suspicion of a tornado passing through. The furniture and furnishings were destroyed, ripped apart and strewn about. All of the pictures on the walls were either upside down or laying busted on the floor. There were large pieces of splintered wood and metal buried inches into the far wall. He was walking around still assessing the damage when he saw it – his computer buried ‘neath what remained of his desk. Overcome by a silent rage, a single solitary tear trailed down his cheek like a Native American beholding a littered field. “OoOoh mEeEen!” A chill went up Micah’s spine as the ghostly wail came from behind him.

“WHAT THE FUCK?” Micah didn’t even look before swinging from the hip, spinning in a circle as he lashed out with the baseball bat. “Who is there? Come on out!” The adrenaline was flowing and he was ready to cave someone’s head in. Nobert, upon seeing the man in the living room, got overly excited. “HeEelp NoOoObert!” The retarded poltergeist went forward towards the frightened man. As the ghostly voice got louder Micah began swinging the baseball bat in a horizontal frenzy.

“NoOoObert noOo hurt! NoOoObert hug!” He put his arms up to embrace and calm the man down. When he came within a foot of Micah the poor man was flung free from his feet, slamming against the far wall. “OoOops! NoOobert soOorry! OoOh men… FoOorget…” He pointed his hands at the floor and floated over to the man. It was one thing to be worthless, but it was a whole different story to be such a menace to society.

One of the splintered boards stuck into the wall had found purchase in and through Micah’s abdomen, and his formerly white wife-beater had turned a dark shade of red. “K-Katie…” his wife’s name was the last word Micah ever spoke as the life drained from his body, his baseball bat broken in half at his feet. “KaAaAtie? KaAatie heEelp NoObert!” The special needs spirit of the master hacker went soaring through the house to find Micah’s wife.


3:28:01 AM – The Bedroom

Katie was still in bed with the comforter pulled up to her nose. She was trembling, having heard Micah shout and the ensuing struggle. Paralyzed with fear she could only stare at bedroom door which her husband had neglected to close as he left. She could hear whatever it was moaning stupidly as it made its way down the hallway towards her. The door began to move back and forth ever so slightly, causing Katie to close her eyes tightly. “Micah…?”

“NoOoO, NoOobert!” Nobert introduced himself as he exploded into the room, as if it was going to comfort the frightened lady. Katie let out an ear piercing shriek. She could not see what was talking, but she could feel its presence. And the presence felt uneducated and very dangerous. She threw the comforter off of herself and clambered to the floor on her hands and knees, crawling to the far corner of the room to tremble in fear.

“OoOoh men…” Nobert frowned. He had effectively ruined everything. Accidentally murdered the poor woman’s husband and traumatized her. “I’m apOoOologize!” Nobert declared as he started to move towards her, wanting so desperately to make everything better. Nobert made it one foot before something hard cracked him across his back and sent him sprawling to the floor. "OoOow!!"

Nobert rolled over and looked up to see the ghost of Micah wielding… the ghost of the broken baseball bat. “DoOon’t hurt me, doOon’t hurt me!” Nobert protested as he struggled to float upright. Ghost Micah stood still and glared deep into Nobert’s ghost soul. “You destroyed my computer. Do you know how long it took me to download all of that fucking cuckold porn? Twenty terabytes gone, like tears in rain. And I'd only made it through seventy-five percent of it.”

“NoOobert soOorry!!” Nobert had his hands up in front of him in hopes of appearing too pathetic to pummel with the phantom baseball bat. He never once questioned why Ghost Micah wasn't speaking like a wailing stereotype. “Yes Nobert, you are pretty fucking sorry.” Ghost Micah threw away the baseball bat and grabbed a hold of Nobert.

The two spun in a circle briefly before Ghost Micah launched Nobert towards the bedroom window. The window exploded outward as Nobert went flying free of the house. As his impervious ghost body floated slowly towards the ground, Nobert cursed the static and the paranormal. Why did he have to be SO good at what he does? He also damned his ultimate hacking abilities and his good looks. The retarded poltergeist feared for his non-existent life as he finally made it within an inch of the meticulously kept front lawn.


3:36:28 AM - The Front Yard

That was about the time that the static swallowed him whole.




Epilogue

Minutes, hours, maybe eternities passed as Nobert hurdled through nothingness in the fetal position. Like a womb the static nurtured and comforted him. When he again came to he found himself on his knees, with something cold pressed against his forehead. "Heads or tails," a strange voice inquired.


TO NOT BE CONTINUED IN...

Spoiler	+

Niceee

THAT'S THE MAN I VOTED FOR!!!

The static died down.

Nobert looked around anxiously as the smell of the sea filled his nostrils. He was on the deck of a huge boat.
"Phew! This sure beats the wild west!"
He started exploring. Posh looking people in splendid clothes were milling around. Few paid him any attention save for a quizzical look here and there. He spotted a sign.

"RMS Titanic," he read aloud.
That rang a bell. Before he could think on it, however, he felt a tapping on his shoulder.

He turned around to see a smart dressed man with slick black hair. And stood next to him was the most beautiful woman Nobert had ever seen.

"You there," the man said in a condescending accent (British). "What are you doing on the upper decks? You are dressed like third class!"
Nobert didn't hear him. He was transfixed with the woman.
The man gave him a clip round the ear.
"I am speaking to you!"
Nobert snapped out of it. "Oh men, I am sorry!"
The man sighed. "Nevermind. Let us introduce ourselves. I am Caledon Hockley, and this is my wife, Kate Winslet."
Nobert composed himself. He cleared his throat and told them his name.

"Norbert? What a ridiculous name!" Cal said.
"Don't be mean, Cal!" Kate Winslet said. "I think it is a nice name! A pleasure to meet you Nobert! Or would you prefer Nob?"
"Nobert is fine!"
Nobert had never exchanged more than three words with a woman until now. The three words usually being "Hello" from him and the subsequent reply of "Fuck off" from them.

This was uncharted territory.

Cal lit a cigarette. "Well you working class ruffian, how about I leave you and my wife alone for no reason, and let you get to know each other?"
Nobert stammered. Left alone? What would he say to her? But before he had time to protest, Cal said goodbye and wandered off.

Nobert looked at Kate Winslet shyly. She smiled at him. His stomach lurched and suddenly the burning taste of sick filled his mouth.
'Oh fuck!' Nobert thought as he struggled to keep it down. His face contorted as he tried swallowing it back.
"Are you ok?" Kate Winslet asked.
Nobert couldn't hold it in. He vomited all over her. He groaned. After years of waiting to meet a beautiful woman who wasn't immediately repulsed by him, he had vomited all over her.
But to Nobert's amazement, Kate laughed and stroked his cheek.
"You are so...working class," she said. "I think I love you!"
Nobert stood in bewilderment.
"Come with me," she said, overcome with passion. "Let's go to my room!"
"What about your husband?" Nobert asked.
"Forget him! He isn't....you know...working class enough for me! I want a real men!"

Before Nobert knew what had hit him he was in her room. She stripped naked and eyed him seductively. Nobert started drooling. He wasn't sure if this was really happening. He pinched himself. Nope, he wasn't dreaming. He was going to lose his virginity! He couldn't wait to get back to FE and tell everybody.

Kate took his hands. "May I ask you something...Can you draw?"
Nobert frowned.
"Sure...I have a painting up in the Louvre," he lied.
Kate's eyes grew wide. "Oh my god! I love artists! You HAVE to draw my portrait!"
Nobert grimaced. "Well I-"
"I really LOVE artists," she asserted. Nobert shrugged. It couldn't be that hard, he thought.
Kate lay down on a sofa and posed, as Nobert took a pencil and paper and began to draw. He figured this must be what people meant by foreplay. He started drawing.

About an hour later, he was finished.
"Let me see!" Kate Winslet said, snatching it out of his hands.
Nobert handed it to her hesitantly. She looked down at his masterpiece...

Spoiler	+

"Oh my word..." she said. "This...this is..."
Nobert was about to explain when she stood abruptly.
"This is amazing!" she said with glee.
"What? Really?" Nobert couldn't believe it.
"I want you!" she said. "I want you right now, you working class artist!"
She began kissing him ravenously, and undressing him.
"Oh men!"
Nobert was completely naked in a matter of seconds.
"Make love to me Nobert!" she yelled!
Nobert could not contain himself. "OH MEN OH MEN OH MEN OH MEN OH MEN MEN!

...

Then the world started to disappear...

"NO!" Nobert yelled. "NOT NOW! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUU!"

He looked down. Kate was gone.

Where is Nobert now?!

FIND OUT...RIGHT NOW!

Spoiler	+

Nobert found himself on all fours in a futuristic room.
"Don't move!"
Nobert turned to see a cool looking man in a yellow velvet suit.
"Oh men! Please don't rape me!"
The man looked startled.
"I am captain James T Kirk, of the USS Enterprise. I am not going to rape you!

A stern looking man with pointy ears came to the captains side. Nobert could see other strangely dressed people all around the room, standing by flashing computer consoles.
"What is your name stranger?" Kirk asked Nobert. "And why are you naked?"
Nobert tried to cover himself in sudden realisation. "My name is N..Nobert."
The man with pointy ears nudged the captain.
"What is it Spock?" Kirk asked.
Spock pointed at Nobert. "Captain, the stranger appears to be leaking a strange white substance onto the floor. It might be an alien virus. We must put him into quarantine immediately."
"No! Please! I don't have any viruses! I have never had sex. I almost did just then, but...that doesn't count...or does it?"
Everybody laughed mockingly.
"Take him away!" the captain ordered, shaking his head.

Nobert was escorted to a white room in a medical lab, and sealed inside. He was left there for hours, until finally Kirk and Spock came to visit him, along with a doctor called McCoy.
"So..." Kirk said. "We have been studying the substance you leaked onto the bridge. The results are coming in now."
Nobert wanted to explain, but he couldn't. He wasn't sure what the white stuff was either.
McCoy walked over, holding a handheld device. "Analysis of the substance is complete captain."
"Very good Mr McCoy...what is it?"

"..."

"It is cum."
Kirk turned around and looked at McCoy. He smirked.
"Looks like I am naming my next captain's log star date 69."
"Wait, there is more," McCoy continued. "This...this is no ordinary cum captain...this is 20th century cum."
The captain froze and Nobert watched them in confusion. He had no idea what was going on.
"This could be the answer," Kirk gasped.
"A weapon to use against the Klingons," Spock said.
"Please, can you let me out now?" Nobert asked timidly.
There was a loud crash and the whole room shook. A startled voice came over an intercom.
"Captain! We are under attack!"
"Dammit!" Kirk groaned. "The Klingons have found us!"
He rushed over and opened the quarantine chamber.
"Nobert...we need your cum! It is the Klingons only weakness. We must beam a sample aboard their ship. It will disable their weapons."
"OH MEN OH MEN OH MEN!" Nobert shouted, as Spock pulled down his trousers and held out a beaker.
"Provide us with a sample," he ordered calmly.
"I can't!" Nobert protested. "Why not just use your own?"
Kirk put a hand on his shoulder. "I wish we could Nobert. But ours has evolved. It won't work."
"If you would like I can help?" Spock said helpfully.
"OH MEN OH MEN NO!"

Nobert concentrated, and tried to picture Kate Winslet naked. There was another big crash.
"Captain, they are boarding us!" the voice over the intercom came again.
"You can do it Nobert!" Kirk yelled.
Nobert focused. Eventually he got an image of her in his head, plain as day. He started feeling aroused.
"Finally!" McCoy yelled. "He has started the extraction process captain. I estimate it will take 10 seconds until the payload is delivered."

9 seconds later, however, the world started disappearing once more. The shouts of the enterprise crew and the explosions became muted. Static surrounded him.

When he came through he found himself in a boxing ring. Everything was black and white. A strange looking man with a distinctive moustache stood in the opposite corner.

Where will Nobert go next time?!

Spoiler	+

I knew mine could have used some (or any) ass to ass to mouth action to make it pop.

Good show.

Thinking maybe I was too crude. Also, not sure if Jeffrey is supposed to be the face of Nobert, but that is who I pictured when I read the others.