The static died down.
Nobert looked around anxiously as the smell of the sea filled his nostrils. He was on the deck of a huge boat.
"Phew! This sure beats the wild west!"
He started exploring. Posh looking people in splendid clothes were milling around. Few paid him any attention save for a quizzical look here and there. He spotted a sign.
"RMS Titanic," he read aloud.
That rang a bell. Before he could think on it, however, he felt a tapping on his shoulder.
He turned around to see a smart dressed man with slick black hair. And stood next to him was the most beautiful woman Nobert had ever seen.
"You there," the man said in a condescending accent (British). "What are you doing on the upper decks? You are dressed like third class!"
Nobert didn't hear him. He was transfixed with the woman.
The man gave him a clip round the ear.
"I am speaking to you!"
Nobert snapped out of it. "Oh men, I am sorry!"
The man sighed. "Nevermind. Let us introduce ourselves. I am Caledon Hockley, and this is my wife, Kate Winslet."
Nobert composed himself. He cleared his throat and told them his name.
"Norbert? What a ridiculous name!" Cal said.
"Don't be mean, Cal!" Kate Winslet said. "I think it is a nice name! A pleasure to meet you Nobert! Or would you prefer Nob?"
"Nobert is fine!"
Nobert had never exchanged more than three words with a woman until now. The three words usually being "Hello" from him and the subsequent reply of "Fuck off" from them.
This was uncharted territory.
Cal lit a cigarette. "Well you working class ruffian, how about I leave you and my wife alone for no reason, and let you get to know each other?"
Nobert stammered. Left alone? What would he say to her? But before he had time to protest, Cal said goodbye and wandered off.
Nobert looked at Kate Winslet shyly. She smiled at him. His stomach lurched and suddenly the burning taste of sick filled his mouth.
'Oh fuck!' Nobert thought as he struggled to keep it down. His face contorted as he tried swallowing it back.
"Are you ok?" Kate Winslet asked.
Nobert couldn't hold it in. He vomited all over her. He groaned. After years of waiting to meet a beautiful woman who wasn't immediately repulsed by him, he had vomited all over her.
But to Nobert's amazement, Kate laughed and stroked his cheek.
"You are so...working class," she said. "I think I love you!"
Nobert stood in bewilderment.
"Come with me," she said, overcome with passion. "Let's go to my room!"
"What about your husband?" Nobert asked.
"Forget him! He isn't....you know...working class enough for me! I want a real men!"
Before Nobert knew what had hit him he was in her room. She stripped naked and eyed him seductively. Nobert started drooling. He wasn't sure if this was really happening. He pinched himself. Nope, he wasn't dreaming. He was going to lose his virginity! He couldn't wait to get back to FE and tell everybody.
Kate took his hands. "May I ask you something...Can you draw?"
Nobert frowned.
"Sure...I have a painting up in the Louvre," he lied.
Kate's eyes grew wide. "Oh my god! I love artists! You HAVE to draw my portrait!"
Nobert grimaced. "Well I-"
"I really LOVE artists," she asserted. Nobert shrugged. It couldn't be that hard, he thought.
Kate lay down on a sofa and posed, as Nobert took a pencil and paper and began to draw. He figured this must be what people meant by foreplay. He started drawing.
About an hour later, he was finished.
"Let me see!" Kate Winslet said, snatching it out of his hands.
Nobert handed it to her hesitantly. She looked down at his masterpiece...
"Oh my word..." she said. "This...this is..."
Nobert was about to explain when she stood abruptly.
"This is amazing!" she said with glee.
"What? Really?" Nobert couldn't believe it.
"I want you!" she said. "I want you right now, you working class artist!"
She began kissing him ravenously, and undressing him.
"Oh men!"
Nobert was completely naked in a matter of seconds.
"Make love to me Nobert!" she yelled!
Nobert could not contain himself. "OH MEN OH MEN OH MEN OH MEN OH MEN MEN!
...
Then the world started to disappear...
"NO!" Nobert yelled. "NOT NOW! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUU!"
He looked down. Kate was gone.
Where is Nobert now?!
FIND OUT...RIGHT NOW!
Nobert found himself on all fours in a futuristic room.
"Don't move!"
Nobert turned to see a cool looking man in a yellow velvet suit.
"Oh men! Please don't rape me!"
The man looked startled.
"I am captain James T Kirk, of the USS Enterprise. I am not going to rape you!
A stern looking man with pointy ears came to the captains side. Nobert could see other strangely dressed people all around the room, standing by flashing computer consoles.
"What is your name stranger?" Kirk asked Nobert. "And why are you naked?"
Nobert tried to cover himself in sudden realisation. "My name is N..Nobert."
The man with pointy ears nudged the captain.
"What is it Spock?" Kirk asked.
Spock pointed at Nobert. "Captain, the stranger appears to be leaking a strange white substance onto the floor. It might be an alien virus. We must put him into quarantine immediately."
"No! Please! I don't have any viruses! I have never had sex. I almost did just then, but...that doesn't count...or does it?"
Everybody laughed mockingly.
"Take him away!" the captain ordered, shaking his head.
Nobert was escorted to a white room in a medical lab, and sealed inside. He was left there for hours, until finally Kirk and Spock came to visit him, along with a doctor called McCoy.
"So..." Kirk said. "We have been studying the substance you leaked onto the bridge. The results are coming in now."
Nobert wanted to explain, but he couldn't. He wasn't sure what the white stuff was either.
McCoy walked over, holding a handheld device. "Analysis of the substance is complete captain."
"Very good Mr McCoy...what is it?"
"..."
"It is cum."
Kirk turned around and looked at McCoy. He smirked.
"Looks like I am naming my next captain's log star date 69."
"Wait, there is more," McCoy continued. "This...this is no ordinary cum captain...this is 20th century cum."
The captain froze and Nobert watched them in confusion. He had no idea what was going on.
"This could be the answer," Kirk gasped.
"A weapon to use against the Klingons," Spock said.
"Please, can you let me out now?" Nobert asked timidly.
There was a loud crash and the whole room shook. A startled voice came over an intercom.
"Captain! We are under attack!"
"Dammit!" Kirk groaned. "The Klingons have found us!"
He rushed over and opened the quarantine chamber.
"Nobert...we need your cum! It is the Klingons only weakness. We must beam a sample aboard their ship. It will disable their weapons."
"OH MEN OH MEN OH MEN!" Nobert shouted, as Spock pulled down his trousers and held out a beaker.
"Provide us with a sample," he ordered calmly.
"I can't!" Nobert protested. "Why not just use your own?"
Kirk put a hand on his shoulder. "I wish we could Nobert. But ours has evolved. It won't work."
"If you would like I can help?" Spock said helpfully.
"OH MEN OH MEN NO!"
Nobert concentrated, and tried to picture Kate Winslet naked. There was another big crash.
"Captain, they are boarding us!" the voice over the intercom came again.
"You can do it Nobert!" Kirk yelled.
Nobert focused. Eventually he got an image of her in his head, plain as day. He started feeling aroused.
"Finally!" McCoy yelled. "He has started the extraction process captain. I estimate it will take 10 seconds until the payload is delivered."
9 seconds later, however, the world started disappearing once more. The shouts of the enterprise crew and the explosions became muted. Static surrounded him.
When he came through he found himself in a boxing ring. Everything was black and white. A strange looking man with a distinctive moustache stood in the opposite corner.
Where will Nobert go next time?!
