Everyone is waiting for a reason. Maybe a reason for being, a reason for doing, possibly even reasonable answers. This is not a story about reason but a story about the decomposition of reason. Some would associate the decay or reason to distinct strains of mental and moral engineering. I would disagree. Only those stricken can acknowledge such a condition, leaving the rest of us able to express ourselves in absence of some larger, and altogether fleeting quality of supernatural chaos. I would say that the decomposition of reason was always inevitable. Humans were always meant to construct their own downfall. We're just getting to the good stuff now.



I was once in love. I loved a girl that I watched love others. I spent weeks, months, years by her side, putting her back together when she was too internally disconnected to keep herself from falling apart. Most likely it was the chaos that drew me to her, I don't know. There were parts of her that, to me, epitomized everything a woman should be. The strange part was I refused to recognize any of her faults while keeping her together. Personal recognition of perfection happens as such. You see what you want to for so long and after a while you only see what you need.



I am not going to say that this story isn't truthful, it is. But I won't say that parts haven't been tampered with. The reason for this will remain my burden to bare. The only thing that really matters is that I was absolutely in love with her. Some time... years later I would come to realize that love is only a perspective. As time goes on, it really doesn't have anything to do with romantic notions of the heart or anything mushy like that. It has everything to do with status quo. Someday you'll wake up and come to the realization that most of your life is over and done. If you're lucky, you'll have someone laying next to you that will be tell you where your life went. That someone will only be a hollow shell of the individual you used to know. They won't remember who you really were either. The both of you, despite the hopes and dreams of youth, will end up lost in a sea of complacency and “adulthood”. This isn't a story about the decomposition of reason. Ultimately it's a story about failed justifications.



There are occurrences in every life that will be constantly reviewed over and over again as gigantic misjudgments. It would be hard to say that my love for this girl was a gigantic mistake but that's basically what I'm aiming at. No matter my bitter animosity, I doubt I'll ever concede that it was a mistake. How could any of us possibly do such a thing? Self-justification is a knack that we monkeys have excelled in. We're so good at it, that in fact all history as we know it has been effected, over and over again, only because someone, at some point and time, wouldn't accept the truth of themselves. Instead they justified. Admitting that you're a fool is very easy. Accepting the realization that you'll always be a fool is the hard part. As a people, we have yet to accept that we are thoroughly and abundantly foolish. Who in their right state of mind is willing to admit to such? Most would spend the remainders of their lives trying to prove contrary. When you do happen to get there, take a quick look around and see where its gotten you.



Let's begin by acknowledging that alcohol had a large amount to do with everything. And when I mention alcohol, I'm referring to hard liquor. Not anything nambi pambi like beer or wine or the such. I'm referring to good old fashioned, fall on the floor, piss your pants, booze. I happened to be one of those closeted alcoholics that no one really ever suspects. Most of my closest friends never had any idea that I was a drunk. Honestly though, even I eluded the notion for longer than most could possibly believe. My destructive dance with booze came to a head one night when some old shit made the mistake of rear ending my car. It had just recently snowed and the roads coated in a thin layer of ice. This fact escaped me... I SNAPPED. I jumped out of the car, took an old rusty crow bar out of the back seat, and proceeded to beat the living shit out of his windshield and hood. Later, I would be arrested for assault and driving drunk. Thankfully, I had yet to use the lucky horseshoes that had been hiding up my ass since I was born. As luck would have it, the old man had been driving without a license and refused to press charges. I had also played baseball with the arresting officer's son in high school. So he only kept me locked up for a few of hours and sent me on my way. That same night, the girl I loved was with another guy. My best friend, to be exact about it. I used my one phone call leaving her a message that went straight to voice mail. I have no idea what I said that night, but I seem to remember that it was quite convincing. It would take me almost a decade to admit to myself, but that night distinctly marked the beginning of my irreproachable persuasion of Danielle Elizabeth Andrews
Hi, nice to meet you.

Chapter 1
To Be Continued