Let's start this out with something fun and light. It is the day of the lord, after all. Which of the American (and Canadian... and...) heroes up above stands tallest above the rest? In case you need information to remember who some of these people are, I am including a character index here for your convenience.
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Andre "Christ Bearer" Johnson - Beloved rapper that cut his own penis off while intoxicated on PCP. One of his friends, when questioned about what happened and lead to Andre severing his own cock and leaping out of a second story window, claimed "I dunno mane, I was in the bedroom readin' a book." He later reiterated this to really sell his story of reading a book during a PCP party.
Sandra Herold - Owned a pet chimpanzee that she liked to feed Xanax to like Pez candy. And always responsibly let him wash it down with a tall glass of wine. While Travis the Chimp found this to be a favorable way of life, there was one of Sandra's friends he just didn't get along with. This eventually lead to Travis tearing her face apart and eating it. Talk about a goof and a gaffe!
Charles Ray Fuller - A young entrepreneur from Texas that dreamed of opening a recording studio AND a record company of his very own, if only he had the money. As luck would have it, Charles would find himself in possession of a check for 360 billion dollars which he tried to casually cash in at a Fort Worth area bank. Boy what was he thinking?
Anthony Weiner - The man, the myth, the legend, the congressman who couldn't possibly have a more fitting name. You know him, you love him, you've probably gotten dick pics from him. Finding it just unbearable to keep his meat hidden away, many underage girls have bore witness to Weiner's wiener. And let's not even bring up the picture that featured his infant for scale.
OJ Simpson - Let's get this out of the way - he definitely murdered his wife and her lover. And proceeded to get away with it. You would think that kind of luck would lead to a life of being a good boy and model citizen. But the Juice bored of this and in 2007 he felt the need to go rob someone in Vegas and fetch nine years for his troubles. Remember when he teased everyone that he was writing a book basically called "If I Killed the Bitch I Would'a Done This Not That"?
Chris Benoit - Professional wrestler, professionally brain damaged and beloved by everyone. That is until during a particularly upsetting time in his life when he murdered his wife and child and then hung himself from a weight machine. That escalated quickly. After he cleaned the ring he placed bibles next to his family to ensure they went to heaven, and told Doink the Clown to let his dogs out of the side room. A considerate man until the end. Did I mention he killed his kid with his signature wrestling finishing move, the Crippler Crossface? Live the gimmick.
Dallas Archer -
A local legend in my area. This young lady was found to have a fully loaded stolen handgun stealthily stuffed inside of her vagina, no doubt inspiring CCP carrying women all over the nation to store their firearms in this fashion. When the owner of the gun was contacted, he was quoted as saying "the "little fellow" would need a "bath in bleach." He's just saying what we're all thinking.
Lisa Marie Nowak - One of NASA's finest outfitted in the most advanced space diapers available set out on a mission to kidnap and murder a female Air Force Captain who was in a relationship with an astronaut this clearly well adjusted woman also loved. Her goody bag consisted of 585 dollars exactly, a knife, a 2 pound drilling hammer, garbage bags, and a BB gun which shows she clearly meant business. Imagine going to Mars with this enchantress and her heavy diapers!
Crazy Dean - If you don't know who Dean is, you're not ready for the story but
here you go. Warning, Not safe for anything. Nothing else needs to be said about this man.
Other - Did I miss your favorite silly goose? Please toss a write-in vote for them using this option.
