Nobert
Chapter IV: Paranobert Activity or The Thirty Minute Haunt
3:06:28 AM – The Living Room
The static crackled furiously as Nobert yet again found himself sliding through time, space, and filmography. Though frightened and alone, Nobert calmed himself by thinking that maybe one day he would be to Canada what Theodore Logan and Bill S. Preston were to America. It was a nice thought to be a hero, pioneer, or just a totally awesome dude. After all he had come a long way from his dank bedroom. He had interacted with so many people that he was nearly comfortable being a person himself.
The sound of static built to a crescendo as Nobert was birthed into a new location, dumped onto his ass upon a hardwood floor in an upscale suburban home. “OoOoh men, this plaAaAce doesn’t loOoOk so...” Nobert stopped short, taken aback and fearful of his own wailing. He glanced around in a panic until he spotted a mirror on the wall that he moved towards. What he saw was… nothing. He had no reflection. Something had obviously gone horribly wrong during this trip. “ProOoOblem. ProOoOblem!!!” Nobert shrieked as he rapidly floated in a circle around the middle of the room. Just when he was getting comfortable in his own skin, it seemed he had slid right out of it.
That’s when he saw it and stopped in his tracks. The family computer, tucked away on an oaken desk in the corner of the living room. “OoOoh men! LeEeEt!!” He moved towards it and went to furiously clack away on the keyboard to hack the planet and get the fuck out of his current predicament to no avail. Every time he tried to touch something, it would be violently thrown across the room to crash against a wall and explode into bits and pieces. He mourned the loss of the computer and had a sad. He would have to just wait for the static.
3:08:47 AM – The Bedroom
Katie’s slumber was interrupted by the frightening sounds coming from the living room. She sighed upon hearing a ghastly wail followed by what was the sound of the keyboard hitting the wall, but to her sounded like any number of times the wireless keyboard had slid from her husband's lap while he was "working". She rubbed her weary sleep covered eyes and looked to the clock. “Jesus Christ,” Katie said in a huff as she saw the time, “if he’s in there treating his body like an amusement park while watching cuckold porn again, I swear to god...“
“It ain’t me this time.” The voice of her husband cut her off. Seems the noises had woken him as well. Katie sat up in the bed and worriedly looked between Micah and the doorway leading out of their bedroom. Suddenly Micah watching questionable pornography was the more comforting explanation for the noises. “Micah you have to go see what is going on in there, it sounds like a tornado just touched down in our living room.” As if on cue there came a loud crash coupled with the shattering of glass. Micah looked less than thrilled by the prospect of investigating, but he reluctantly slid out of bed and retrieved a baseball bat from their closet.
“Whatever you do, do not leave this room. I'll be right back.”
3:12:36 AM – The Living Room
“OoOoOoOh men…” Nobert was still floating over what was once the nice desk and family PC. Now it was just a shattered heap of splintered wood and glass. As were a lot of things in the room. Nobert held his hands away from himself, afraid of their super destructive powers. Things were so much simpler when he was an awkward person and not an awkward monster. Would he ever know the blissful touch of his own hand again? This was the thought that troubled him the most.
Nobert dejectedly drifted through the saloon-style doors leading to the kitchen. Maybe some bacon and poutine would fix everything. The doors violently slung inward as he passed through them, but he was beyond caring. “OoOh men… so saAad…” Nobert the depressed poltergeist floated around fucking everything up as he searched for delicious Canadian foods. The more things change, the more things stay the same, it seemed. He desperately wanted the static to show up again so that he could move on from this cursed incarnation.
The floorboards in the living room creaked. Nobert spun to face the disheveled saloon-style doors.
3:15:05 AM – The Living Room
“…What the fuck…” Micah muttered under his breath as he entered the ruins of his living room. He briefly entertained his wife’s suspicion of a tornado passing through. The furniture and furnishings were destroyed, ripped apart and strewn about. All of the pictures on the walls were either upside down or laying busted on the floor. There were large pieces of splintered wood and metal buried inches into the far wall. He was walking around still assessing the damage when he saw it – his computer buried ‘neath what remained of his desk. Overcome by a silent rage, a single solitary tear trailed down his cheek like a Native American beholding a littered field. “OoOoh mEeEen!” A chill went up Micah’s spine as the ghostly wail came from behind him.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” Micah didn’t even look before swinging from the hip, spinning in a circle as he lashed out with the baseball bat. “Who is there? Come on out!” The adrenaline was flowing and he was ready to cave someone’s head in. Nobert, upon seeing the man in the living room, got overly excited. “HeEelp NoOoObert!” The retarded poltergeist went forward towards the frightened man. As the ghostly voice got louder Micah began swinging the baseball bat in a horizontal frenzy.
“NoOoObert noOo hurt! NoOoObert hug!” He put his arms up to embrace and calm the man down. When he came within a foot of Micah the poor man was flung free from his feet, slamming against the far wall. “OoOops! NoOobert soOorry! OoOh men… FoOorget…” He pointed his hands at the floor and floated over to the man. It was one thing to be worthless, but it was a whole different story to be such a menace to society.
One of the splintered boards stuck into the wall had found purchase in and through Micah’s abdomen, and his formerly white wife-beater had turned a dark shade of red. “K-Katie…” his wife’s name was the last word Micah ever spoke as the life drained from his body, his baseball bat broken in half at his feet. “KaAaAtie? KaAatie heEelp NoObert!” The special needs spirit of the master hacker went soaring through the house to find Micah’s wife.
3:28:01 AM – The Bedroom
Katie was still in bed with the comforter pulled up to her nose. She was trembling, having heard Micah shout and the ensuing struggle. Paralyzed with fear she could only stare at bedroom door which her husband had neglected to close as he left. She could hear whatever it was moaning stupidly as it made its way down the hallway towards her. The door began to move back and forth ever so slightly, causing Katie to close her eyes tightly. “Micah…?”
“NoOoO, NoOobert!” Nobert introduced himself as he exploded into the room, as if it was going to comfort the frightened lady. Katie let out an ear piercing shriek. She could not see what was talking, but she could feel its presence. And the presence felt uneducated and very dangerous. She threw the comforter off of herself and clambered to the floor on her hands and knees, crawling to the far corner of the room to tremble in fear.
“OoOoh men…” Nobert frowned. He had effectively ruined everything. Accidentally murdered the poor woman’s husband and traumatized her. “I’m apOoOologize!” Nobert declared as he started to move towards her, wanting so desperately to make everything better. Nobert made it one foot before something hard cracked him across his back and sent him sprawling to the floor. "OoOow!!"
Nobert rolled over and looked up to see the ghost of Micah wielding… the ghost of the broken baseball bat. “DoOon’t hurt me, doOon’t hurt me!” Nobert protested as he struggled to float upright. Ghost Micah stood still and glared deep into Nobert’s ghost soul. “You destroyed my computer. Do you know how long it took me to download all of that fucking cuckold porn? Twenty terabytes gone, like tears in rain. And I'd only made it through seventy-five percent of it.”
“NoOobert soOorry!!” Nobert had his hands up in front of him in hopes of appearing too pathetic to pummel with the phantom baseball bat. He never once questioned why Ghost Micah wasn't speaking like a wailing stereotype. “Yes Nobert, you are pretty fucking sorry.” Ghost Micah threw away the baseball bat and grabbed a hold of Nobert.
The two spun in a circle briefly before Ghost Micah launched Nobert towards the bedroom window. The window exploded outward as Nobert went flying free of the house. As his impervious ghost body floated slowly towards the ground, Nobert cursed the static and the paranormal. Why did he have to be SO good at what he does? He also damned his ultimate hacking abilities and his good looks. The retarded poltergeist feared for his non-existent life as he finally made it within an inch of the meticulously kept front lawn.
3:36:28 AM - The Front Yard
That was about the time that the static swallowed him whole.
Epilogue
Minutes, hours, maybe eternities passed as Nobert hurdled through nothingness in the fetal position. Like a womb the static nurtured and comforted him. When he again came to he found himself on his knees, with something cold pressed against his forehead. "Heads or tails," a strange voice inquired.
TO
NOT BE CONTINUED IN...
