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JJ
Pig
  | | Reputation: 164 | | Group: | Godfather | | Posts: | 33,771 | | Joined: | Jun 28, 2012 |
| Post #76: 30th Jan 2016 11:24 PM | |
Where's Herm's story? | | |
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Herm
Definitely not a Quran Burner
 | | Reputation: 212 | | Group: | Godfather | | Posts: | 29,715 | | Joined: | Feb 20, 2014 |
| Post #77: 30th Jan 2016 11:25 PM | |
Up next. | | |
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JJ
Pig
| | Reputation: 164 | | Group: | Godfather | | Posts: | 33,771 | | Joined: | Jun 28, 2012 |
| Post #78: 30th Jan 2016 11:26 PM | |
Oh, you're the most visibly dedicated? k | | |
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Miko
Bomb
 | | Reputation: -42 | | Group: | Veteran | | Posts: | 1,952 | | Joined: | May 12, 2014 |
| Post #79: 30th Jan 2016 11:56 PM | |
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Chapter One
The night was dark, the hour was late and the thick mist stretched throughout the forest like a veil, clinging from branch to branch. An old woman clad in a tattered dress, stumbled from tree to tree, exhausted. She had dark grey hair and a moldy look on her face. A crow landed on a nearby branch and gave the old woman a scornful look, the creature chirped at her mockingly. The old woman swatted at the crow menacingly, a weathered look on her face.
"Be gone foul creature." She cursed at the crow. "I shan't pay heed to your mockery."
The crow flapped its wings in defiance as the old woman almost knocked it off its pedestal, before it flew away and disappeared back into the deep fog. The old woman smiled and continued her journey, catching her breath for every new tree she passed. Eventually she reached a swamp, stretching far and wide. The old woman landed on her knees, just as relieved as she was exhausted.
"At last." She breathed. "The swamp of depravity, for far too long have I looked for this place."
She dug her fingers into the dirty ground and with a sense of purpose, began to carve some kind of symbol.
"Master Globiordas." She cried as she finished carving up the symbol on the ground with her fingertips. "I call to you, King of Depravity!"
The call was met with silence, the old woman stared at the swamp in desperation for the longest time. Then all of a sudden, the swamp began to come alive and a dark figure emerged from its prison. The dark figure was clad in dark leaves from top to bottom, and had as many limbs as a tree had branches. Globiordas, the name this creature held, walked over to the old woman and stopped in front of her.
"Why have you summoned me, the great Globiordas, from my slumber, you wretched old crone?" Globiordas spat at the old woman, a voice more menacing than death itself.
"Forgive me for disturbing you when you were sleeping, master, but please make me young and beautiful again, I beg of you!"
Globiordas gave the old woman an indifferent look. "Why would I do that?" Globiordas paused. "Who are you anyway?"
The old woman held back tears in shock, she really had grown old as of late.
"Master." She spoke. "It is me, Siarelle."
"Oh," Globiordas finally said, finally recognizing her. "Why didn't you say so from the beginning?" He extended an olive branch from one of his arms, inviting Siarelle to grab it.
"Take this and eat it, it should make you young again." Globiordas spoke with confidence.
"Thank you, master." Siarelle said as she took the olive branch from Globiordas and snapped it from his arm. She twisted the branch and began eating from its fruit, juices dripping down her mouth as she took mouthfuls after mouthfuls.
Once she was finished, Siarelle started to feel a change almost immediately. Her skin began to itch, then a sensational burning began to spread throughout her whole body. Globiordas watched in joy as Siarelle began to shed skin faster than a potato getting peeled. She soon stood there, young and fresh, her scalp bald and bare, the old moldy skin lying all around her in droves along with some dark grey hair.
"Beautiful." Globiordas laughed. "As good as new."
"I'm bald!" Siarelle suddenly exclaimed, running her hand over her head. "But I feel young and alive again, if only I had a mirror so I could take a loot at my new self."
"There are no mirrors here." Globiordas told her. "I am afraid you'll have to wait until you're somewhere more… civilized."
Globiordas looked back at his swamp, longingly. "Anyway, I've had enough of this boring world. I think I need some well earned rest." Globiordas said as he began to walk back into the swamp, but paused in his march to give a closing statement.
"As for you, my young servant, I want you to go ahead and make some use of your newfound youth and spread depravity through these lands, in the name of the great Globiordas."
Siarelle smiled. "Don't worry, master. I'll return the favor."
And with that, Globiordas sank back into the swamp.
Chapter Two
Raelchor sat on top of a hill, smoking a pipe. Raelchor was a young man with bushy black hair, clad in spectacularly dull brown and yellow clothing. He wore no shoes. Raelchor was enjoying the view, from this distance he could see the great kingdom of Dreagenor, stretching out far and wide across the land. He could see the great castle in the centre of the city, its white structure glittering in the sunlight. Even further out, he could spot the forest of depravity, a place completely devoid of light. The legends say that a massacre took place there, a long time ago, which sprouted the darkness that now resides there today. As far as he knew, the place was still out of bounds. Raelchor didn't really know much, however.
"You there!"
Raelchor shifted his attention towards three centaurs, riding up to where he sat. The trio were clad in red and silver uniforms, made from some sturdy metal. The pair at the back held spears while the one in the front screeched to a halt next to the man sitting on the hill, minding his own business.
"It is against the law to smoke in public." The lead centaur told him, a hard look on his face.
"This ain't in public, you see any folks around here?" Raelchor replied back, not understanding the problem.
"Sir." The lead centaur interjected. "If a mother and her child had stumbled upon you in this state, they would've been scarred for life. Have you no decency?"
"But…" Raelchor interjected, but the centaurs had had enough.
"Take him into custody."
The centaurs in the back rode up to Raelchor and arrested him, confiscating his pipe.
"This is outrageous!" Raelchor cried out in anger.
"This is the law of the land, sir." The lead centaur told him. "You best obey it."
The centaurs tied Raelchor's hands up with rope and escorted him down the hill at a walking pace, the group reached a small town in the outskirts of the kingdom of Dreagenor in less than an hour. The small town was called Haypile Town, some people called it Dreagenor's stable, possibly referring to all the stables all over the place.
"This is where you people park your rear ends?" Raelchor asked.
"Who are you calling "you people"!?" The lead centaur roared back, kicking some dirt up with his hoofs.
"I meant no offense, sir horse." Raelchor tried to explain.
The centaur did not seem interested and ordered his men to escort the prisoner further into the city. As the group continued, Raelchor noticed how a woman with short black hair and dressed entirely in crimson red, was kicked out of a building by a fat looking pig creature. He estimated that the creature was a hoggerkin by the looks of it. The hoggerkin wore brown pants and a stained white shirt.
"If you can't pay for yerself, then get yer bleach ass out of here, wench!" The hoggerkin snorted.
The woman in the red dress rose from the ground and pointed an accusing finger at the hoggerkin.
"Mark my words, you fat creature!" She barked at him with confidence. "Watch as depravity tears away everything you hold dear, watch as it deprives you of your fortune!" She smiled confidently. "It will come, like a vulture carrying a disease." She laughed maniacally.
"Get away from here, ye crazy witch!" The hoggerkin snorted even louder and kicked some mud at her dress.
"How dare you!?" The woman's eyes went wide in shock. "I paid a fortune for this dress at the local store!"
"A dress ye bought by whoring around the taverns, I have no doubt?" The hoggerkin laughed.
"I'll have your head for this, pig!" The woman told the pig as she spat in his direction. "Mark my words." She cursed and walked off in the opposite direction.
"Mark yer bleach ass." The hoggerkin burst out, howling out in laughter.
The commanding voice of the lead centaur suddenly shifted Raelchor's attention away from the scene.
"We're here." The centaur announced.
Raelchor noticed the building that the centaurs were leading him towards, it looked bleak and grey and the whole thing smelled of piss. Raelchor was not amused.
Chapter Three
Raelchor was bored. He had been in the holding cell for almost two hours now and he literally ran out of things to do half an hour ago. What were the horses going to do with him? Maybe they were all busy sprinting and galloping in these racing things that seemed to be popular nowadays? Frankly, he had no idea what was going on. He just wanted to sit on top of a hill and smoke his pipe, but apparently those sorts of things were illegal here.
"Psst, hey you." A voice suddenly said.
Raelchor looked around his cell and saw no one in particular.
"Hello?" He asked the owner of the voice he could not see.
"Hello yourself. Try to keep your voice down so the centaurs don't hear you." The voice told Raelchor, in a low commanding tone,
"Sure." Raelchor replied almost in a whisper. "Are you a ghost or something? I don't seem to be able to see you."
"Are you of low intelligence?" The voice asked Raelchor. "I'm obviously sitting in the cell right next to yours, on the other side of the wall."
"Oh." Raelchor realized. "The horses captured you too?"
"Yes. I was arrested for scratching my ass in public. If I had known such a thing was illegal here, I would never have come."
A look of surprise emerged on Raelchor's face. "You're not from around here?"
"Well, you might not know it, because you can't see me, but I'm actually a faun from the kingdom of Harmenia. As for my name, I am Elmin of the Seven Hoofs."
Raelchor looked impressed. "Elmin of the Seven Hoofs, eh?"
"So what's your story? Why are you here?" Elmin continued.
"I am Raelchor." The man responded. "They arrested me for smoking in public and they confiscated my pipe."
"Seems like a lot of things are outlawed in these lands, sir Raelchor." Elmin acknowledged.
"Think they'll let us go?" Raelchor asked.
"I hope." Elmin paused. "Shouldn't you know the laws of your land better than me?"
"I didn't pay attention in class so I wouldn't know."
"I see."
Chapter Four
Captain Houghton stood on all four as he oversaw his new squadron of centaurs all lined up in the main stable, a military base stationed close to the same building housing detainees and prisoners awaiting transfer. Captain Houghton was a centaur clad in a dark blue uniform, more authoritarian than the normal red the other centaurs wore.
"Public crime has gone off the roof!" Houghton burst out, the other centaurs murmured in agreement. "It is of utmost importance that we bring down the hammer of justice on these lawbreakers once and for all!"
"Sir! Yes, sir!" The centaurs all burst out in unison.
"Who better to protect the defenseless children of these lands from the horrors of indecency than the mighty centaurs, may our steeds of justice rain down on these barbarians like hellfire before the world comes to an end!"
"Sir! Yes, sir!" The centaurs repeated.
"Captain Houghton!" A lone centaur called out, galloping into the stable. "We have a problem!"
"Nothing this squadron of fine centaurs here can't handle." Houghton told the lone centaur, certainty and pride in his voice. "What seems to be the problem? Did someone urinate in public again?"
"No, sir." The centaur explained. "We seem to be experiencing a far more serious problem."
"What!?" Houghton almost exploded in anger, the other centaurs began to show irritation as well. "What could be more serious than indecent acts of malice committed on a daily basis right here on our soil, in front of defenseless children unable to cover their eyes from obscenities!?" Houghton kicked furiously with his hind legs, his lower lip began to bulge. "Take me to this… serious problem, soldier." Houghton told the centaur.
"Right away, sir."
Houghton turned to his men, all of them lined up in uniform. "Men, follow me. Let's show this serious problem the might of the centaurian army."
The centaurs answered in a single cry, raising their spears up in the air. Houghton gestured for the centaur who brought the ill news to lead the way, then they all rode out in file, ready to face a problem far more serious than anything they had ever faced before.
Chapter Five
Raelchor and Elmin were in the middle of a conversation when a hoggerkin stumbled inside, he was clad in loose black pants and a buttoned up green shirt. This hoggerkin was just as obese as the other one, seemed like it was something that came with the territory.
"Well, well." The hoggerkin laughed. "Seems like we got some lawbreakers hauled up in here."
The hoggerkin stopped in front of the two holding cells that Elmin and Raelchor occupied and placed a hand on top of his chest. "My name is Boggersnatch, I am in charge of this place."
"I thought the centaurs were in charge?" Elmin asked, pretending to be confused.
"The centaurs have other things to worry about." Boggersnatch laughed.
"So it's just you then?"
"You can bet yer damn ass it's just me here, goat boy!" Boggersnatch told the faun confidently. Raelchor followed the conversation, scratching the top of his head.
"How come you're in charge here and not the horses?" Raelchor suddenly found himself asking.
"Because they are busy with something important, but don't worry." Boggersnatch ensured. "They'll be back before you can say horse radish."
"Horse radish." Raelchor said out loud, but no one was listening.
"What was your name again, Hooker stash?" Elmin asked, trying to reel the hoggerkin back in.
"Boggersnatch." The hoggerkin told the faun, a hint of anger in his voice.
"Well, Boggersnatch." Elmin said with a confident smile. "How are we supposed to know the centaurs put you in charge if you don't have anything to show for it?"
"I've got proof, ye damn goat," Boggersnatch told Elmin confidently. "Here's yer damn proof." Boggersnatch grabbed a key chain that hung from the side of his pants and held them up right in front of him, smiling triumphantly.
"How do I know those keys are real?" Elmin asked. "That could just be a key chain made up of fake keys."
"Yer dumb, aren't ye?" Boggersnatch snorted, a frustrated look on his face. "I'll show yer dumb ass how dumb ye really are."
Boggersnatch unlocked the door to Elmin's holding cell with one of the keys and stumbled inside. "How's that for real, ye dumb sh-" Boggersnatch was cut short as a hoof connected with his face, hurling him away into the wall.
"I'm not the dumb one here." Elmin told the hoggerkin as he picked up the keychain lying on the floor right next to the unconscious pig. He ran over to Raelchor's holding cell and unlocked the door with ease.
"That was incredible!" Raelchor congratulated the faun, as he walked outside his jail cell. Raelchor finally got to see Elmin of the Seven Hoofs in the flesh, a faun clad in loose brown pants and a purple jacket. Raelchor noticed a pair of horns protruding from the faun's red hair.
"Thank you." Elmin said, caressing the back of his head with a smile.
As the pair began to make their escape, they suddenly stopped in front of a holding cell housing an individual clad in a black robe, fast asleep right there on the floor.
"Do you think we should wake him up?" Raelchor asked.
"It's not a jailbreak if we leave anyone behind." Elmin realized and unlocked the door to the holding cell with the person fast asleep inside.
"Is it morning already?" The individual clad in the black robe asked as the two persons burst into his room, waking him up.
"It's time to get out of here." Elmin told the individual in the black robe as he rose from the floor with a yawn.
"Oh." The gentleman said, a male figure with a light brown face and a beard as white as snow. "Is it that time of the day already? Best get out of here then." He agreed and followed the two individuals outside.
Chapter Six
Captain Houghton was leading his army of centaurs through Haypile Town, galloping at a steady pace. The townspeople seemed to be moving in the opposite direction, away from whatever they were heading towards. Houghton began to wonder what sort of chaos took place over there, maybe it was a swarm of indecencies taking place at once? He soon reached a scene that was beyond anything he had ever imagined, even the centaur who had led the way seemed shocked.
"The situation seems to have gotten far worse." The centaur said in disbelief.
"What in the name of horseshit is going on here!?" Houghton shouted out loud.
The centaurs all bore witness to something that went far beyond their comprehension, thorns protruding from a building almost entirely broken apart, a hoggerkin had been pinned to the wall and the stench of corpse filled the air. The centaurs all reeled back in disgust, some of them even in fear and disbelief. But not Houghton, anger filled his being to the core.
"This is beyond indecency!" He roared. "This is disgustingly scandalous!" How could they have let this happen? The situation seemed to be far worse than he had ever imagined. He knew what to blame, it was because they had let all of these indecencies take place. This happened because they were not taking the violent crimes taking place across these lands seriously enough.
"Men, we must beat this atrocious thing back into the ground before it spreads." Houghton ordered. "I have never been more convinced, this is the root of all evil."
"Sir, it's already spreading!" A centaur warned, pointing at the thorns that were slowly spreading towards the neighboring buildings and stables.
"To arms!" Houghton cried out as he galloped into the midst of despair, spear in hand. "Let's show this bush what centaurs are made of!"
The other centaurs suddenly felt a burst of courage and joined their captain, raising their spears at the bush while galloping at full speed.
"Cut it out!" A centaur cried out as he pierced one of the thorns, the branch was as thick as an ogre's leg.
"Beat it where it hurts!" Another centaur cried as he pierced another thorn.
Captain Houghton kept slashing with his spear, making short work of some of the smaller thorns.
"Take that and that and that!" He kept saying over and over again, burning with determination.
The thorns protruding from the wrecked building slowly began to withdraw closer to the building, the branches curled up in an almost agitated state. The centaurs surrounded the thorns protruding from the building, giving the evil thing triumphant glares.
"That's it, men!" Houghton cried out, a victorious look on his face. "Let's show this thing what it means to be a centaur!"
Everything suddenly changed in a matter of seconds, the thorns began to sharpen and lunged at the centaurs closest to the building and sliced them up with its sharp edges. Captain Houghton looked at his fallen comrades in despair as the other centaurs began to back away, spears held tight.
"This thing shall pay." Houghton cursed as he shifted his attention back to the thorns.
"I'll cut you down, you grassroots son of a bitch, even if it's the last thing I'll do!" Houghton lunged at the thorns a final time, his men in tow.
From a distance, Siarelle watched on in glee.
"Fight you damn fools, fight until your heart gives out." She cackled. "It won't be enough. The powers of depravity shall spread through these lands and at dawn, this entire kingdom shall be entangled with my master's thorns of evil!" She raised her hands up in the air and cackled some more. "By this time tomorrow, this whole kingdom shall be swallowed up and it will give rise to a new age."
Siarelle's heart suddenly began to flutter, an evil smile formed on her face. "I'll tear down the laws of old and create new ones, designed to create romantic entanglement and as much indecency as possible." She giggled.
"I'll kill as many of you as it takes, as long as I can fulfill my heart's desire and deprive you of your dignity." She watched the spectacle continue and laughed triumphantly as more and more centaurs were sliced up, trying to fight off the evil thorns.
Chapter Seven
Elmin of the Seven Hoofs lead Raelchor and the man clad in the black robe across the town, searching the area for centaurs.
"That's strange." Elmin said, while spying the area. "Not a single centaur in sight."
"Maybe they're horsing around somewhere else?" Raelchor speculated. "I bet fifty silver coins they're all at the racecourse."
"I'll raise your fifty and add a gold coin." The man in the black robe said.
"What's your name again?" Raelchor asked the bearded man.
"Mondartz." The bearded fellow replied while stroking his beard.
"Someone's coming!" Elmin suddenly warned.
The individual that was coming was not a centaur, but in fact, a middle-aged woman with light brown hair. She was accompanied by other individuals, everything from hoggerkins to humans, and they all seemed to be running away from something.
"What's going on?" Raelchor looked at them all, confused. "What are they running from?"
"Let's ask them." Elmin said and stopped a random man with a clean shaven face in his tracks. "Hey, what are you all running from?"
The man wrestled his way past Elmin in panic and shouted at the top of his lungs. "Evil is coming, evil is coming for us all!"
"What's that mean?" Raelchor asked Elmin confused. Elmin shrugged.
As crowds of people were running past them as fast as their legs could carry, Mondartz sharpened his eyes as he peered into the area all of them were fleeing from. "Perhaps it's best we take a look for ourselves?" He said and walked off.
"You seriously think it's a good idea to head over there?" Elmin looked concerned. "Everyone else seems to be running away from that area."
"I shall do what I must." Mondartz said and continued.
Elmin shifted his attention over to Raelchor, shaking his head.
"He can't be helped, I guess. Let's get out of here, sir Raelchor."
"I want to see what's going on." Raelchor simply said and ran after Mondartz.
Elmin paused for a moment, but since the company of two were better than none, he decided to join them on their quest to find out what was going on.
"Alright, alright." He said as he ran after them. "If you guys go, I'll go, but if it's dangerous I'm outta there."
The group of three soon arrived at the source of everyone's panic, thorns crawling out of a building that was slowly starting to collapse. The thorns had slowly started to spread, snaking its way into nearby stables and houses. Across the ground, dead centaurs lay scattered everywhere, some of them torn to shreds, others not as bad. A few were even conscious.
"Holy cow." Raelchor and Elmin both gasped. Mondartz seemed unfazed.
Elmin surveyed the area and was glad that these centaurs were not there to arrest him. Still, those thorns protruding from the building scared him far more.
"We will not give up… " A centaur in a dark blue uniform croaked in a hoarse voice as blood trailed down his face. "You will not win…. the tears of our children… " He had no more strength to spare and slipped into unconsciousness.
"It's been a long time since I faced magic this dark." Mondartz said as he picked up a staff out of nowhere, an orb placed on its top.
"You're a wizard!?" Raelchor asked Mondartz, a bewildered look on his face.
"I sure am." Mondartz ensured him as he approached the thorns, eyeing the monstrosity with determination.
"May you crawl back to your master, thorns born from the darkest mists." Mondartz said as he pointed his staff in its direction, shining a burning bright light on it. In a matter of seconds, the thorns turned into ash. The building that the thorns originated from, quickly turned into rubble.
Elmin's eyes widen in shock and amazement, Raelchor looks as impressed as always and some of the centaurs still alive fall unconscious out of pure confusion. Raelchor congratulates Mondartz by running over to him and slapping him on the wrist.
"Not bad, you bastard." He said with a smile. Mondartz returned the smile.
Far from there, Siarelle looked on in horror.
"No!" She screamed as she dropped to her knees, her soul roaring with rage. "What about my depravity!?" She whined. "What about my happiness!?"
In pure anger, she let loose on the grass and ripped it to shreds. "No! No! No!" She screamed over and over again. Thankfully for anyone involved, no one was close enough to hear.
Final Chapter
Later that day, Mondartz, Elmin and Raelchor all found themselves on top of the same hill everything started on.
"Did you bring enough for all of us?" Raelchor asked.
"Enough to last for a week." Mondartz ensured.
"I still don't understand why you felt the need to heal the injuries of those damn centaurs." Elmin suddenly interjected.
"It felt like the right thing to do at the time." Mondartz said with a smile. "Too many of them had died already."
"Can you pass me some tobacco, Mondy?" Raelchor asked Mondartz.
"Sure." He passed the man some tobacco.
"So what happened back then?" Elmin asked. "What was that thing?"
"It was a creature born out of darkness, a spawn from the forest of depravity." Mondartz puffed on his pipe, Raelchor joined in. "It hates bright light, one swing with my staff and it'll turn to dust."
"I see." Elmin said. "So why did it spawn in the middle of the town?"
"I dunno, you think I have answers for everything?" Mondartz asked the inquisitive Elmin. "Now join in and smoke some pipe with us."
"Come on Elmin, join in." Raelchor told the faun.
"Alright, alright." Elmin said and lighted his pipe. "But I'll head back home to Harmenia first thing tomorrow."
The group of three enjoyed the view placed before them and watched the sun set, smoking on their pipes, even though it was against the law.
THE END |
Wow, I really, really loved this story! I'm a total sucker for multiple perspective tales, it flowed really easy, and it was generally a very multi-layered story! An amazing traditional fantasy story that I'll remember beyond this game. I have to say this is my favorite story! Great job Herm!! You did an amazing job!
I also loved that you as well used mythological creatures, and this story is what I meant with scope, it's a pretty rich world for just a short story! And I can't get over how well you used all the multiple perspectives, you have certainly impressed me!
~Creativity (10/10)
~Grammar (9/10)
~Scope (9/10)
~Consistency (9/10)
~Presentation (6/10)
Post Edited by Miko @ 31st Jan 2016 1:10 AM | 'Oh my god, it's full of stars!'
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JJ
Pig
| | Reputation: 164 | | Group: | Godfather | | Posts: | 33,771 | | Joined: | Jun 28, 2012 |
| Post #80: 31st Jan 2016 12:15 AM | |
Wow Herm! I feel like I have a window into your soul now. Very imaginative and descriptive. Of course I identify with Siarelle as her story was exactly like my last Friday night. GJ! | | |
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JJ
Pig
| | Reputation: 164 | | Group: | Godfather | | Posts: | 33,771 | | Joined: | Jun 28, 2012 |
| Post #81: 31st Jan 2016 12:15 AM | |
I'll read the rest later - I had to start with the most visibly dedicated. | | |
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Herm
Definitely not a Quran Burner
| | Reputation: 212 | | Group: | Godfather | | Posts: | 29,715 | | Joined: | Feb 20, 2014 |
| Post #82: 31st Jan 2016 12:20 AM | |
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| Wow Herm! I feel like I have a window into your soul now. Very imaginative and descriptive. Of course I identify with Siarelle as her story was exactly like my last Friday night. GJ! |
Thank you, Buffy. I'm glad you enjoyed her, she was a blast. | | |
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Miko
Bomb
| | Reputation: -42 | | Group: | Veteran | | Posts: | 1,952 | | Joined: | May 12, 2014 |
| Post #83: 31st Jan 2016 12:20 AM | |
Bryce will have his rankings up in a bit, I have to start tomorrow at 5:45 in the morning, so I'm heading off to bed. The first thing I'll do once I have some downtime at work is create the rankings and give out the points for next round. It won't take long though!
I'm very pleased with the stories y'all. And I am excited to continue on to the next round with y'all. | 'Oh my god, it's full of stars!'
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JJ
Pig
| | Reputation: 164 | | Group: | Godfather | | Posts: | 33,771 | | Joined: | Jun 28, 2012 |
| Post #84: 31st Jan 2016 12:36 AM | |
Dylan, good job. Perfect length for a short story and held my attention. And who doesn't love a backwoods, illiterate janitor? | | |
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Bryce (Tatiana Rose Petal)
Aromantic Asexual Feminist Vegan Demigirl Deerkin
 | | Reputation: 10 | | Group: | Novice | | Posts: | 447 | | Joined: | Nov 5, 2015 |
| Post #85: 31st Jan 2016 12:45 AM | |
Timmah's Story:
~Creativity 9/10
~Grammar 9/10
~Scope 6/10
~Consistency 8/10
~Presentation 7/10
I loved it so much! I thought the storyline was very unique and interesting and it made me want to learn so much more about the world that you created. You put a lot of work into it and I could tell! | | #AllMenAreRapists #BlackLivesMatter #ScorpioFeministVeganBitchesFTW |
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JJ
Pig
| | Reputation: 164 | | Group: | Godfather | | Posts: | 33,771 | | Joined: | Jun 28, 2012 |
| Post #86: 31st Jan 2016 12:45 AM | |
I'm reading Timmah's next! | | |
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Bryce (Tatiana Rose Petal)
Aromantic Asexual Feminist Vegan Demigirl Deerkin
| | Reputation: 10 | | Group: | Novice | | Posts: | 447 | | Joined: | Nov 5, 2015 |
| Post #87: 31st Jan 2016 12:48 AM | |
Brian's Story
~Creativity 10/10
~Grammar 9/10
~Scope 4/10
~Consistency 9/10
~Presentation 8/10
I completely disagree with Miko, I thought this story was SO creative. Making it a poem showed a lot of originality, and the punchline at the end SLAYED ME. "This is who I am now dad" I FUCKING DIED. YES HENNY SLAY.
I'm like gay Paula Abdul without the drug addictions
| | #AllMenAreRapists #BlackLivesMatter #ScorpioFeministVeganBitchesFTW |
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Miko
Bomb
| | Reputation: -42 | | Group: | Veteran | | Posts: | 1,952 | | Joined: | May 12, 2014 |
| Post #88: 31st Jan 2016 12:48 AM | |
Awesome, whilst Bryce puts in his ranking I have to make one more announcement.
I took Buffy out of the extermination line due to that I still saw a glimmer of interest in her eyes, so even though she had to step out of the game, she is still willing to take time out of her day to become a judge! (i desperately needed a third one). So welcome Buffy!
The first round was kind of a mess, but now that we have everything set in stone, we can move forward appropriately. | 'Oh my god, it's full of stars!'
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Bryce (Tatiana Rose Petal)
Aromantic Asexual Feminist Vegan Demigirl Deerkin
| | Reputation: 10 | | Group: | Novice | | Posts: | 447 | | Joined: | Nov 5, 2015 |
| Post #89: 31st Jan 2016 12:54 AM | |
Chris' Story
~Creativity (6/10)
~Grammar (7/10)
~Scope (6/10)
~Consistency (6/10)
~Presentation (6/10)
Chris I didn't know you knew how to write more than a paragraph without dropping a racially-charged slur, I have to admit I pressed my "control find" key looking for it. Your writing style completely drew me in, I was surprised you were so good at painting a scene. I liked how you dropped us right in the middle of the story and it made me WANT to play catch-up. I think you're very talented and I hope you can deliver more next round in terms of a beginning/middle/clear end. | | #AllMenAreRapists #BlackLivesMatter #ScorpioFeministVeganBitchesFTW |
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Bryce (Tatiana Rose Petal)
Aromantic Asexual Feminist Vegan Demigirl Deerkin
| | Reputation: 10 | | Group: | Novice | | Posts: | 447 | | Joined: | Nov 5, 2015 |
| Post #90: 31st Jan 2016 1:02 AM | |
Dylan's Story:
~Creativity 7/10
~Grammar 8/10
~Scope 8/10
~Consistency 8/10
~Presentation 8/10
All-in-all, this was an incredibly well-rounded story. As Miko said, very traditionally fantasy-based, which is awesome. I definitely got "Lion, Witch, Wardrobe" vibes and I fucking LOVED that movie, (Edwin was a dick, or whatever his name was)
You have a very professional writing style which I enjoy. I feel I could be reading your words in an actual published book. You're a very intelligent writer. I think next time I would love to see a little more UMPH to your story, like a major shocking plot twist or something like that. | | #AllMenAreRapists #BlackLivesMatter #ScorpioFeministVeganBitchesFTW |
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