Fuck me gently with clinical depression

A bit of the social anxiety as well I suppose.

And I'm super awkward socially sometimes, for example when I run into someone I haven't seen in a long time, and I don't know what to say/talk about. I'm not good at making small talk. And the whole time I'm thinking to myself, This is awkward. I'm sure they're thinking that this is awkward. Am I showing the appropriate amount of interest? Is this person bored? Am I looking around too much? I should make some eye contact. I wonder if a sufficient amount of time has passed to end this conversation? How do I end this conversation? Is my face red? I feel like my face is red. Yep, it's likely very red right now. Oh good, I think they're making like they need to get going... "Yes, it was good to see you too!"

I also don't know how I made it through kindergarten, because I would never talk to my teacher. I'd talk to one or two classmates, once in a while. My parents would have to have meetings with the teacher and the principal about it. I remember when I was in grade one, my teacher asked me to read a story to her after class, and I did. She bribed me with some gum in her desk drawer. Then she walked me down the hall to my old kindergarten room to read to my old teacher.

Starting high school was kind of the same thing, I became known as the 'kid who doesn't say hi'. :P I wouldn't. But I'd at least try to smile at them so they'd hopefully know I didn't hate everyone's guts. But then with some people, it was always easy to talk to them and become friends.

I've definitely gotten a lot better about it. I even surprise myself sometimes. I just have to give myself a pep talk --- that it's all in my head, which it usually is, and that I'm an adult, I should be able to do these sorts of things. :P

JJ why couldn't you let this thread die.

i once told a guy his arm was broken and then it just fell off.

the brain is very powerful

Curtis @ 23/10/2017 19:51

Nofo @ 23/10/2017 19:39 Curtis @ 23/10/2017 19:26 TMJ and occasionally (once) a fake-out heart attack. Otherwise lucky despite my poor diet and complete disregard of exercise My TMJ hurts like hell tho and I would trade any one of you to get rid of it My cousin has it and I can't imagine having anything worse than my jaw spasming occasionally The people I know who have it all have different cases a bit, mine's not quite like that. One friend has those spasms, another can't clench down on a piece of pizza which BLOWS! Mine does the usual popping and clicking but basically just hurts all the time. The more I realize it hurts then the more I'll pop it and the more it'll end up hurting, so I just have to try to ignore it. The worst part about TMJ is that you can't really ever get it fixed from what I've heard, you can get surgery to stop it from getting worse and stuff but I think it's mostly with you forever. Probably a case by case basis tho

This is the kind I have. But for about a month it switched to that can't-clench-down-can't-open-more-than-a-fraction kind. It was AWFUL. I was worried I would be stuck like that forever but one morning when I woke up I yawned without thinking and it corrected with a loud CRACK.

The relief was so great that I didn't even care about the pain.

It was HELL

As for depression/anxiety/social anxiety/etc, I actually... don't think I have any of them! SURPRISINGLY, GIVEN WHAT A BRIGHT AND UNENDING RAY OF SUNSHINE I AM.

I've had shorter semi-frequent bouts of what sort of looked like anxiety and depression, more depression, but I've always bounced back way quicker than would make sense. I also thought for a while that maybe I had social anxiety/social phobia but it didn't quite fit either.

What DOES fit is ADHD and some associated issues that usually accompany it. And it would also explain a LOT about my habits and what works for me and what doesn't, along with completely justifying my caffeine addiction. The problem is finding someone who would buy an ADHD self-diagnosis from a late-twenties female who never flagged for it as a kid, and there's some pretty big red flag diagnosises and likely-disorders in my family history that would probably have to be ruled out and it just sounds like a huge hassle.

drrrrr @ 24/10/2017 1:16

As for depression/anxiety/social anxiety/etc, I actually... don't think I have any of them! SURPRISINGLY, GIVEN WHAT A BRIGHT AND UNENDING RAY OF SUNSHINE I AM. I've had shorter semi-frequent bouts of what sort of looked like anxiety and depression, more depression, but I've always bounced back way quicker than would make sense. I also thought for a while that maybe I had social anxiety/social phobia but it didn't quite fit either. What DOES fit is ADHD and some associated issues that usually accompany it. And it would also explain a LOT about my habits and what works for me and what doesn't, along with completely justifying my caffeine addiction. The problem is finding someone who would buy an ADHD self-diagnosis from a late-twenties female who never flagged for it as a kid, and there's some pretty big red flag diagnosises and likely-disorders in my family history that would probably have to be ruled out and it just sounds like a huge hassle.

Don't you just hate doing boring stuff and like doing interesting/fun stuff, which semi quickly can become boring / stuff you know like me?

Mercator @ 24/10/2017 4:34

drrrrr @ 24/10/2017 1:16 As for depression/anxiety/social anxiety/etc, I actually... don't think I have any of them! SURPRISINGLY, GIVEN WHAT A BRIGHT AND UNENDING RAY OF SUNSHINE I AM. I've had shorter semi-frequent bouts of what sort of looked like anxiety and depression, more depression, but I've always bounced back way quicker than would make sense. I also thought for a while that maybe I had social anxiety/social phobia but it didn't quite fit either. What DOES fit is ADHD and some associated issues that usually accompany it. And it would also explain a LOT about my habits and what works for me and what doesn't, along with completely justifying my caffeine addiction. The problem is finding someone who would buy an ADHD self-diagnosis from a late-twenties female who never flagged for it as a kid, and there's some pretty big red flag diagnosises and likely-disorders in my family history that would probably have to be ruled out and it just sounds like a huge hassle. Don't you just hate doing boring stuff and like doing interesting/fun stuff, which semi quickly can become boring / stuff you know like me?

EH, honestly I always thought thats all that ADHD was so I never even considered it for me until I was talking to someone about their ADHD and I went "Same" a little too many times than was comfortable and started researching it in earnest.

But no! At least for me, it's more like my mood drops down very low if I don't have at least SOMETHING going on, like my baseline mood is just extremely low but even the tiniest distraction jumps it right back up to normal, or sometimes if I don't have any interest in doing something, I can't force it no matter how hard I try. This is the reason I almost never turned in research papers. I couldn't get the actual writing part to happen. It just won't work. I can't keep my focus. Sometimes that happens even if I AM interested, but that isn't as often for me. Occasionally just losing track entirely of one thing if I'm trying to balance two things. Being able to hyperfocus on things for hours without any issue if I AM interested, which really helps with obnoxious challenges in ORGs.

There's also Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria that usually goes along with ADHD, which covers most of the anxiety/social phobia stuff much better than ACTUAL anxiety/social phobia does.

But I wouldn't really say boredom plays into it at all. I never think "I'm bored", I think "fuck why is this suddenly not working why can't i concentrate what the fuck"

gotta catch em all

I bought a fidget spinner to be ironic a few weeks ago and my quality of life improved. That was pretty much the final straw

If something I enjoy becomes "work", it usually makes me loathe doing it, if I think I absolutely HAVE to do it I'll do it begrudgingly.

I could easily be misdiagnosed with ADHD, but I'm certain I don't have it and that it's only a personality trait (or it's because of defiance).
It also adds almost complete lack of motivation, which is a terrible combo.

If it's not because of defiance then you probably have ADHD. Fidget spinners (though I haven't tried them) could just be good for occupying downtime.

Yeah it's not a defiance thing for me. I can hyperfocus on things that are "work" if I'm interested in them just as much as anything else. A lack of motivation can play into it but even if I AM motivated or there are serious consequences for not doing something (even something simple) I still sometimes can't get myself to do it. It's REALLY annoying. It also tends to get better or worse at different points, so it sounds a lot like ADHD to me.

I can hardly make it through a movie without doing other shit during it. Like posting here. My motivation always comes at the last second too. I have trouble concentrating on things I want to concentrate on until randomly I'll be able to concentrate extremely well for a long time. My fake mafia game for instance was written in one sitting in one night the day it was due. I did the same for college papers. I forgot a paper was due once, saw people handing it in and skipped class to write it at the library and turned it in after class at her office hours. A.

Maybe all my perceived issues are just a form of adhd! I think I think I'm way more screwed up than I really am because my family is so dysfunctional. Though this is clearly just a euphoria I'm feeling now and I'll be back to thinking I have bpd or something crazier by the end of the day.

Is it terribly ignorant of me to think that ADHD is actually a crock of shit? Cuz I do. I hate the way we've come to rely on pills to treat mental conditions. What happened to drinking whiskey and smoking crack?

But srsly, there has to be a better way to combat mental illness right? I'm no expert of course, just my opinion.

Based on my own experience, I believe I may have had social anxiety up until I was around 20. The way I beat it was to throw myself in at the deep end. Which I did by working behind a bar and performing on stage. Both those things forced me to face it.

Honestly though, I sometimes wonder how much of it was just standard shyness which I grew out of, and how much could be attributed to an actual condition. I just know I've read the symptoms before, and it describes me 5 years ago to a tee. Is it something you're even supposed to be able to beat if it's a mental condition? I dunno.

Whilst working behind the bar, there was an ex social worker who worked with problem children. She once told me that she thought I could be on the autistic spectrum, and that I may also have ADHD (of course, I ended up arguing with her about whether the last one exists (: Cuz I know so much more than someone who is actually qualified)

I honestly don't think I'm afflicted with anything mental though, and no physical problems as far as I'm aware! I guess I drink too much and some people would call me a functioning alcoholic, but I just like a fucking drink. The recommended drinking limit is absurd anyway.

BTW that TMJ shit sounds horrible and I preferred not knowing that it existed, so thanks for that.