Previously...
Natalie fled court to join the Scottish rebellion in Prince Dylan's name. Shortly after that, Vernon released his brother Wikey on the condition that he fight for him. Wikey soon betrayed his brothers new found trust and rebelled.
Eventually, the rebels succumbed to the onslaught of mercenaries and were captured by Loch Tay. Wikey and Natalie were executed in the throne room for their treason.
As soon as the rebellion was over, the English presented a new threat in the South. The enemy army had finally arrived in Cumberland. In anger, Vernon arrested all his councillors and sparked a whole new rebellion in the process.
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Leos's bishops voiced their disapproval of his sinful life, whilst he brushed their concerns aside and married Sophia.
Malion received help from the English in his war with his troublesome count. With their help he swiftly put an end to the war. Soon after the peace settlement, Malion decided to take a risk and try unite Southern Ireland by conquering Desmond. Malion won his war in the South and suddenly found himself in a strong position.
Leos eventually ran into trouble with his churchmen, so much so that he was forced to go to war.
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Mercator married a Navarran princess in an effort to gain an alliance in his war with Ari, who was laying siege to his keep. His alliance proves useless though, when the Navarrans refused to join his fight. In an effort to change their minds, Mercator arrested his wife and held her hostage.
His ploy proved fruitless, and seeing little choice, Mercator surrendered to Ari. Ari became the new lord of Iceland, imprisoning Merc in the dungeons.
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Bryce, against the advice of his general, declared war on Denmark, to press his strong claim to the throne. Ninefingers was anticipating the war and had his army assembled before the declaration was sent.
Bryce later led a scouting party near Copenhagen, were he discovered Niney setting up camp. Bryce decided to try and lure Niney away from Denmark and into Norway. But Niney didn't fall for it, and he decided to stay put too.
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In Ethiopia, Hupu and DR made slow progress in their war against their neighbours. DR began to become concerned with the little love she was experiencing from her new subjects.
Hupu and DR won the war with their neighbours and Hupu bestowed the conquered lands upon his wife. In return for this, DR promised to have sex with him.
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Henry retreated to his dukedom in Kent to try and forget the role he had played in the attempted assassination of Cheryl Cole. He received an invitation to Curtis's alliance but declined it.
Pope Roth refused Paulus a divorce from the wife he had just tried to have murdered. The pope refused on the grounds that it would set a precedent. Boc intercepted this letter and sent it to Curtis, whilst proposing a plan to further widen the rift between Roth and Paul. Jeffrey murdered Cheryl in the grounds of Westminster, in an act of loyalty. Paulus arrested Jeffrey for treason.
He would eventually release Jeffrey, but not out of mercy. Paulus decided to use Jeffrey to try and root out what he suspected to be a faction plotting against him.
Paulus married Adele to put the assassination attempt of Cheryl Cole behind him, whilst Boc proposed that the king appoint an antipope in response to the popes perceived danger. Paulus took the advice and declared Kristoff was the true pope.
In Northampton, Dylan was humbled by Earl Robert, who made him Steward in an effort to put the exile prince to good use.
When Dylan learnt about the failed rebellion in Scotland, he was invited into the Curtis faction by Robert. He agreed. Robert then managed to forge a claim on Oxford with the help of Curtis and Boc, and immediately went to besiege the town.
In response, Paulus implemented high crown authority to make Robert's invasion illegal, and threatened to excommunicate him through Kristoff if he didn't surrender. Robert reluctantly accepted.
Boc left court at this point, under the guise of returning to his own lands, but secretly he was going to try and invite Jeffrey back into the Curtis faction.
When he made his fateful meeting with Jeff, it was confirmation of the kings suspicions. Boc was excommunicated and arrested on the kings orders. The king also ordered Jeffrey to strip Earl Robert of all lands and titles, suspicious that Robert had something to do with the conspiracy. Upon receiving the news, Robert sent word to Curtis that Paul was on to them, at which point Curtis was forced to play his hand early. The war for England began.
AND NOW!
The third series of A Song of Ice and Fire!
Episode 1: Two brothers and a douche
January 1068
This is the Iberian Peninsula...
In 1068 it was was a mass of minor rulers, all struggling for dominance. There was no unity in this land. It was split between two religions: Islam and Christianity.
The Muslim nations were situated in the South, whilst the Christian nations were in the North. Three brothers controlled the three largest Christian kingdoms of Castille, Leon and Galicia.
The eldest of these brothers, the King of Castille, was a childish and insecure man, who constantly strove for acceptance from his peers, even though it was in vain.
MOS had two other brothers, who each ruled the other kingdoms.
King Budd of Leon was the second eldest of the brothers. He had a reputation for spending most of his time in taverns and drinking heroic amounts of alcohol, but when sober he was the most level headed of the brothers.
And finally, the king of Galicia...
Andy was an incredible douche. A totally deluded retard. He was married to a contestant from a popular medieval past time called Survivor, were contestants were pitted against one another in a fight to the death. Since Andy had seen Amanda barely escape with her life from one of these games, he had been infatuated with her. He had chased her across the known world in his teens, desperate to secure her hand in marriage. It was only when his father died and he became a king that he had the resources available to make his dreams a reality.
With his two brothers having no children, MOS was currently the inheritor of both their kingdoms. What could possibly go wrong?
In Ireland Malion, was holding council. Since conquering Desmond and uniting Southern Ireland under his banner, he had been told relentlessly to keep the momentum going.
His general was sat opposite him. "Your grace, there will not be a better time to strike!"
Malion rubbed his tired eyes. He had heard the same thing almost everyday since peace had been declared. Malion had hoped for a break from war. He had known nothing else for the past year. But everybody seemed intent on refusing him that luxury.
"War is starting to take its toll on me," Malion complained.
"I understand, your grace," his general said.
Malion wasn't sure he did. His pleas to put the matter to rest kept falling on death ears. After the war with Desmond had ended, news had reached him that Leos had become embroiled in a conflict with his own churchmen. His general argued that this was an opportunity too good to pass on. But Malion wasn't sure he was ready to take Leos on yet. The drunken warrior had a fearsome reputation, Malion knew all too well. His brothers and father had been killed in the last war with him. But no matter how much Malion protested, his general would not let the matter drop.
"Your grace, I am certain of victory if we strike now!"
Malion shook his head. "You don't give up, do you?"
His general smiled. "Not when I know I am right."
Malion rubbed his chin. He had a decision to make.
The next day, he called his army back to war...
In Kent, Duke Henry was pacing up and down his chambers. News had reached last night from Westminster. War was breaking out all over the kingdom. He had received a letter from the king himself. It instructed him to make his way to court to attend war council. But Henry didn't want to go. Ever since Paulus had involved him in his plot to kill Cheryl Cole, he had grown to resent his position as Spymaster, or what he called the "hidden hand of the evil empire". He no longer trusted Paulus.
But the usurper who was hoping to replace him, Duke Curtis, was hardly better. Curtis was a manipulative bastard, and could not be trusted any more than the king. Henry had smoked all his pot last night, considering his options. He had not come to a decision. All the lords of England were picking sides...and soon Henry would have to choose too.
"Damn it!" he moaned. "I can't think straight! Someone bring my hookah!"
His servant answered his call. "You smoked all of your weed last night my lord," he said gravely.
Henry buried his head in his hands. "This is a disaster. I can't decide anything unless I am at least slightly baked."
The servant bowed his head. "My lord, I..." he stopped, looking embarrassed.
"What?" Henry asked curiously.
"Well," the servant started uncertainly. "I may have a little grass somewhere."
Henry narrowed his eyes. "How did you come across it?"
"You must forgive me my lord...I only wanted to try it."
Henry gazed at him a long moment before bursting out with laughter. "Oh my god bro, don't worry about it! I thought you were a square. How about we both light up what you have left?"
And so they did. Eventually, Henry came up with an ingenious idea. He didn't believe in the cause of either side. So the solution was obvious...let the rest of England play its shitty game of thrones...meanwhile, Kent was going to break all ties with the evil empire. Kent was going independent B)
A few days later a message arrived at Westminster. Paulus was expecting a simple acknowledgement of attendance from Henry, but what he read was quite unexpected. Henry had declared war on him. He looked at the letter in disbelief, before shaking his head and throwing it away. He motioned to a courtier. "Have the council assembled today instead. We no longer have to wait on Henry."
A short while later, the new council was called.
Duke Jeffrey and Kristoff were the only familiar faces. To replace the now imprisoned Boc, Earl Kiwi of Essex was appointed.
Kiwi was headstrong and often short sighted, always calling for blood at the first sign of trouble. But his loyalty was without question, and Paulus needed loyal men right now.
Earl FF0 of Hereford, the new general, had experience on the battlefield, having fought in Captain Russ's mercenary band. He would make a capable battlefield leader.
For his new spymaster, Paulus had to settle for his wife, Adele. She had complained that she knew nothing of the ways of spying, that she only knew how to sing, but Paulus had silenced her protests by telling her that Henry had known nothing about spying too.
Once all the council was present, Paulus stood to address them. "This is the first meeting called since the traitor Duke Curtis raised his banners for war. He studied the new faces. "So...what is the situation? Where is the army currently?"
FF0 looked up uncertainly. It was obvious he was still getting used to the idea of been part of the kings council. "Well, your grace, last I heard the army was marching South to try and engage as many of the rebels before they can band together."
Paulus nodded. "Good. We have the advantage in numbers at the moment."
Kiwi cleared his throat. "Your grace, perhaps we should discuss the prisoner."
Paulus looked at his new chancellor. "What of him?"
"Your grace, Boc is a traitor," Kiwi said. He had a menacing glint in his eyes. "He was excommunicated for heresy and high treason. We should execute him immediately."
Paulus raised his eyebrows. "That is hardly our main concern right now. Boc is locked away in the dungeons."
"He is a traitor and must be punished!"
Paulus raised a hand. "You feel strongly about this, I can see. But calm yourself. Boc will answer for his crimes eventually."
Kiwi nodded, seemingly content. Paulus turned to Jeffrey, who was daydreaming.
"Jeffrey!" Paul said sternly, snapping him out of it.
"Yes?" he asked uncertainly, as if remembering where he was.
"Earl Robert is most likely the culprit who tipped Curtis off about Boc's imprisonment. I suspect he will soon try to make a move against you so he can join in Curtis's war with the full power of Oxford behind him."
"Oh men," Jeffrey said.
"Oh men indeed. I won't be able to use diplomatic means to save you this time. So you need to go home, and do everything in your power to make sure Robert does not succeed."
Jeffrey nodded and gave him a thumbs up, though Paulus knew he didn't understand. But it didn't matter anyway. Paulus was going to make sure to send some of his most skilled soldiers with Jeffrey to defend the town.
"Well," Paulus said. "There is little else to discuss right now. Meeting adjourned."
Adele stayed behind with him as the others left. He had grown fond of his new Queen despite himself.
"I wanted to unite the British Isles," Paulus said solemnly. "But I can barely keep one kingdom together."
"This is not your fault," she said reassuringly. "Just remember...sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."
"What?" Paulus asked.
"I guess what I mean is...Curtis is an evil man. His cause is built on lies and deceit. The truth will win out in the end."
"Oh..." Paulus sighed. "I hope you are right."
In France, a great king sat atop his French throne. The greatest king the world has ever seen.
King Oyster Boy of France.
This poor boy was born with a terrible disfiguration which made him look like an Oyster, and a childhood of ridicule and neglect left him a mute. Had he not been the only son of his father, he would have probably been thrown into a river drowned. But he was the son of the great and noble king of France. The only son, in fact! He had a younger sister but she could not inherit the throne, so Oyster Boy was the sole heir and thus the only one capable of carrying on his family name.
But the world was a cruel place. There were plenty of subjects in France who felt that they deserved a better king...a capable king. Perhaps some of them thought they could do the job better themselves. Had Oyster boy not had a guardian angel, he would have been doomed to a short reign after a suspicious death.
Meet his savior...
Duke Patrick "Ironface" Of Aquitaine was a rare kind of individual. He didn't yearn for power. He was an honorable and loyal individual who tried his best to uphold the laws of the realm. And it was for these qualities he was appointed regent for Oyster Boy. He remembered the day of his appointment vividly.
Flashback...
Oyster Boy's mother had reached out to Patrick and begged for him to come to Paris to rule in her boys stead. Patrick had reluctantly obliged, unable to refuse a request from the royal family. He would have rather stayed and tended to his own lands and lived a quiet life of contentment, but duty called.
Patrick had been regent for 3 years now, ever since Oyster Boys father, the previous king, had died. He seemed to be the kings one and only friend, and protecting his liege came at an enormous personal cost. In the early days some powerful French lords had plotted to poison the boy king. They had approached Patrick to ask him to be the hand that dealt the poison, due to Patrick's easy access to the king. He had responded by arresting all the plotters involved and executing them. They had underestimated his loyalty. That act sent a clear message to the realm. If anybody wanted Oyster Boy dead, they would have to go through him first. And Patrick knew there was plenty who would be willing to try. Even now, his spies were informing him of several developing conspiracies against the king.
And no matter how many of them were dealt with, new ones arose to replace them. The constant struggle was taking a toll on Patrick. He didn't feel he would be able to protect Oyster Boy forever. So today he was changing tactics. People respected power, and the best way to demonstrate power was to win wars. It just so happened that an opportunity had recently presented itself. A conflict had broken out in England between the pretender Curtis and King Paulus, leaving English territory in Normandy exposed. Now was the time to strike and take back lands that the people of France felt rightfully belonged to them. A war would unite the kingdom and quell the conspiracies against the king.
Patrick walked into the throne room. Oyster Boy was sat on the throne, gazing into space vacantly.
"Your grace," he said, bowing. Oyster Boy did not respond. Patrick walked up to him and pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket.
"I have something for you to sign, your grace," he said gently. "It is a declaration of war."
Oyster Boy did not respond.
Patrick sighed. "I will sign it for you!" he said, grabbing one of Oyster Boy's limp hands and writing a signature on the paper. "There you go! All done!"
Oyster Boy did not respond.
Patrick left the throne room, with the declaration in his hands.
Shortly after this, the army mobilized.
Whilst King Paulus was preoccupied with rebellion, Patrick was going to take back Normandy, starting with Maine.
In York, England, Curtis was looking at himself in the mirror. "Your grace," he said, bowing to his reflection and laughing. "It won't be long now. The throne of England will be mine."
He left his dressing room and walked out into the yard. All around him soldiers were busy assembling horses and siege equipment. They would soon be marching South to Northampton to meet up with Earl Robert. That was the agreed upon rallying point for the army. He just needed to find his brother and then the journey south could begin. He stopped one of his soldiers who was walking by pulling a couple of war horses. "Have you seen my brother?" Curtis asked.
"He is in the stables, your grace."
Curtis nodded and walked to the stables. When he got there, he was surprised at what he saw.
"Brother!" Curtis said cheerfully. Shawn turned around abruptly, a guilty expression on his face. Curtis laughed.
"Don't worry Shawn, you have fun now! I just came to tell you that we are leaving soon."
Shawn looked back at the rat, which was scurrying away from him, and then back at Curtis. "Oh...ok, no problem."
"Anyway buddy, I have been meaning to ask you something!"
"What is that?" Shawn asked uncertainly.
"How would you like to marry a Welsh princess?" Curtis was beaming.
Shawn looked uncomfortable. "Um...I don't know...aren't I a bit young for that?"
Curtis laughed. "Oh no! Not at all! It will be super fun buddy, mark my words!"
"Ok," Shawn said, clearly unconvinced.
The marriage opportunity had come about only recently. Curtis had approached the lords of Wales for some extra support in his cause. Most had refused, but recently, he had received an interesting offer from one of them.
It was a reasonable price to pay for support which could tip the balance in the war. Besides, Curtis didn't have to keep his promise. As soon as the war was over he could just break the betrothal. After all, when he was king a minor lord could hardly hope to oppose him...
TBC...
