The Diary thread will be updated somewhat often. I don’t know if I’ll be aiming for one a round, but we’ll see depending on mg schedule.
So far, I’m just enjoying being a weird dickhead. I’ve accused Newt of being a lizardman, talked about how sexy hypothermia is with Pompfrey, told Fred that he should become a professional ice sniffer at the Olympics representing his home country of the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and had a mildly fun in character conversation with Rita. I have work and then plans tonight, so I won’t be around much at all, but I’ll try and keep it up. I’m trying to see just how far I can push the envelope with the cast before they get completely fed up with me.
I didn’t intend to public confess this game but honestly it’s so LIBERATING. It’s like when you get home and you take your socks off after a long day and your feet feel all nice. Maybe I’m weird, I don’t know
I posted 1,100 times and none of them count fucking kill me.
Okay, so here’s what’s been HAPPENING in the world of Gilderoy Lockhart.
People love me. Of course they love me - what’s not to love? My original plan was to win the challenge, and get all the people I like sans Mirabella with me. Why separate her, you ask? Don’t you like her? Yes, I do - but so does everyone else. I want that fish as far away from me as possible, because she’s threatening my ego and status as a social god in this game. I don’t like that she’s more popular, so she can stay the hell away.
Some of my early favorites and ideal tribe picks would be Fred, Madam Pomfrey, and Ron. Ron is only included because he laughs at my jokes, and that’s the best quality in another human being. Fred I really enjoy talking to, and he’s kind of cut through the gimmick a bit so I’m less annoying when we talk. He mentioned the basilisk secret advantage, which I missed, so I know I have someone who wants to work with me. He’s fun and somewhat bubbly, but not too much of either. That’s my job, damn it. He also made it clear that he wants to be on my tribe, which is good. My tribe will be the best tribe, no doubt.
Madam Pomfrey and I have bonded over wild and crazy conversations, most of them being either insults or sex talk. She’s my second favorite after Young Fred, and I’d like to keep her around. I feel she can be a capable ally and compatriot in the future, and she also thinks I’m funny.
Beyond those two, I don’t have a whole lot to say about the rest of the cast in a particularly positive light. I’ve either hardly talked to them or am completely neutral on them, save Snape.
Snape doesn’t like me. He’s very annoyed with me and my presence in the game, and I RELISH it. When he tried to just talk to me, I just started taunting him about the Lily thing and kept calling him Sirius. I also claimed to be the father of Harry Potter, and he ended our only conversation there. I’m going to have so much fun with him if we end up on the same tribe.
As for the idol - I’m going for it. I’ll be at work, so I’ll have to work around that, but I really want to snag it. It’s stupid and bold - perfect for me. I’m going to get it either to play at the first tribal OR just give it to someone else for funsies. I’m not going to hold onto it, because idols are dumb. They’re essentially a golden ticket to fuck around, and I don’t wanna keep a golden ticket in my pocket for weeks. It’ll get crushed and ruined. As soon as I get it, I’m using it, in some capacity. Maybe I’ll give it to Fred, or try and idol someone out in the first round. I don’t know. Either way, it should be a blast.
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:10 PM]
Hello! You seem rather dour
Prince Sev Snape [5:27 PM]
Do you have a cure
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:30 PM]
Well.. (edited)
Let’s clean up that look of yours
Brighter colors
Smile more
And you look sickly
More vegetables would be good
Prince Sev Snape [5:37 PM]
That sounds more like advise and less like a cure
Do you just like to hear yourself speak
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:38 PM]
My voice sounds remarkable
There’s nothing I enjoy more
Besides, no magic can fix what’s going on with all of that
It takes change
Concrete, finite change
Become your best self
Find someone who will love you
That didn’t have a kid with the man who bullied you throughout middle and high school
Prince Sev Snape [5:40 PM]
Can you try to let me forget about that
A little later
Prince Sev Snape [5:56 PM]
It takes no skill to steal other people's accomplishments and boast of them as your own
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:59 PM]
I’ve never stolen a thing in my life
Or claimed credit for anything I didn’t do
Did you know I was at the Moon Landing?
Prince Sev Snape [6:04 PM]
The back yard of your house in the Philipines isn't the moon
Gilderoy Lockhart [6:36 PM]
I’m a proud Nigerian man
Prince Sev Snape [6:36 PM]
Another thing you have stolen, an identity
Gilderoy Lockhart [6:38 PM]
Send me $200 so I can afford to feed my children
Prince Sev Snape [6:38 PM]
You won't steal from me
Gilderoy Lockhart [6:39 PM]
I already stole your girl
Prince Sev Snape [6:48 PM]
She tricked you too I see
Gilderoy Lockhart [6:53 PM]
We’re having a very special child
With a scar
And glasses
Prince Sev Snape [6:53 PM]
You can't retcon a whole series
Even YOU can't have a head that big
Gilderoy Lockhart [6:56 PM]
Harry Lockhart
The Chosen One
Prince Sev Snape [6:56 PM]
I am walking away
Convo with Connor
Spoiler
+
Cormac McLaggen [11:26 AM]
same, I just was like OW! Brain warn me next time
Gilderoy Lockhart [11:48 AM]
I love brain
Nothing better than a thicc hairy boy on your pipe
Cormac McLaggen [11:48 AM]
uh
yes
Convo with Mirabella
Spoiler
+
Mirabella Plunkett [5:40 PM]
Teach me like one of your French fish
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:43 PM]
Just take a step inside Lockhart’s Pleasure Palace
Mirabella Plunkett [5:46 PM]
Cautiously takes a step forward
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:46 PM]
Would you like the tour?
There are multiple floors
Many rooms
This building is larger than my actual home
Mirabella Plunkett [5:48 PM]
Haha priorities
Put some water in a Ziploc bag and carry me anywhere your heart desires
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:49 PM]
The basement level floor is the main orgy room, due to the size
It has non-stick floors so I can hose it down after a big party
The ground floor is the jungle room
There’s scores of cages for your purrleasure
The second floor is the space room, filled with pictures of Elon Musk and women with three boobs
The third floor is the fantasy room, for any fictional characters you’re interested in. There are robots there
The fourth and final floor has glass only walls, and is the S&M room
You can get whipped while the world watches
Mirabella Plunkett [5:52 PM]
Is there a library?
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:52 PM]
Not in the Pleasure Palace, no. I have one in my main home
Half the books are erotic, however
Mirabella Plunkett [5:54 PM]
And yet no frolics with fish :(
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:54 PM]
How about
I start writing it
About our adventures together
Let us explore the oceans
Mirabella Plunkett [5:55 PM]
Yayyy
Chapter 1: the fish who lived
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:56 PM]
It was a wet, rainy night
I had finished another signing, and trudged home in the dark, contemplating to myself
“Am I a man who can stop adventuring, just because I’ve made all this money? Am I ready to settle down?”
As I spoke, a fish flew up from a puddle in the water, and hit me in the face
“I’m so sorry, you extremely handsome man”
To my surprise, the fish could talk!
“How did you end up in a puddle, talking fish?”
That’s what I’ll start with
Mirabella Plunkett [5:58 PM]
You have found my voice!
Mirabella Plunkett [6:01 PM]
Plucking with Plunkett can be the alternate title
Gilderoy Lockhart [8:19 AM]
Excellent
I’ll use it for my draft
Mirabella Plunkett [8:32 AM]
I also have some great ideas for a chapter about my real life experience losing my son that is eerily similar to the plot of finding nemo
Gilderoy Lockhart [8:34 AM]
Well, my job is to capture your story
And our time together
I’ll do my absolute best, Mira
Mirabella Plunkett [9:25 AM]
lmao im enjoying this
Convo with Ron
Spoiler
+
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:32 PM]
You’re too young and ugly for me, but one day you’ll find someone to do them with
Ron Weasley [5:32 PM]
:open_mouth:
I am not ugly!
I am a Weasley
we are famous
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:33 PM]
You’re a weasel?
Oh joy
First a lizard boy and now a rodent boy
Ron Weasley [5:35 PM]
:middle_finger::skin-tone-2:
sit on that lockhard
I pride myself on being a fierce and funky wizard
for the ages
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:35 PM]
I think that would break your finger
Ron Weasley [5:35 PM]
LOL
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:35 PM]
I can, but it’d be your loss
I’ve sat on many things over the years and have found all to be enjoyable
Ron Weasley [5:36 PM]
omg
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:36 PM]
Sans mud
Ron Weasley [5:36 PM]
i am learning so much about you
what is
sans mud
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:36 PM]
Mud is the only awful thing to sit upon
Grass, sand, chairs, tables, ski lifts, faces
All remarkable
Ron Weasley [5:41 PM]
wow
you have done a lot of sitting in ur lifetime
more then i can say i have
i have never been one to sit on a face before
at least not on purpose.
Ron Weasley [5:42 PM]
wow
i need to find someone to do it with
maybe one of the hosts in the game will do it
i will ask them one day soon
Ron Weasley [5:48 PM]
I feel like htat is a disney song.
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:48 PM]
What
No I wrote it myself
Ron Weasley [5:58 PM]
i think you took copyrighted material
and r acting like its ur own
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:58 PM]
No no no
I’ve never ever stolen anything
From anyone in my life
Ron Weasley [5:59 PM]
ya right
Gilderoy Lockhart [5:59 PM]
Don’t sass me, small child
Ron Weasley [5:59 PM]
i hope ur on my team for this game and then u can be kicked out for stealing and ill make it through the first elimination
Gilderoy Lockhart [6:00 PM]
How rude!
Accusing me of stealing
How _dare_ you?
I wrote every single stanza of _The Odyssey_ on my own
Ron Weasley [6:11 PM]
oh gosh! i am reporting u to the headminister
headmaster
whatever he is called
dumbledore will know about you soon enough
lockhard
Gilderoy Lockhart [6:35 PM]
Ah Albus
We go way back
Ron Weasley [6:38 PM]
i bet u sat on his face
Gilderoy Lockhart [6:39 PM]
Nah too wrinkly
Just like his wand
:^)
Oh I've also made it a personal goal to avoid asking people anything personal about them, including their hobbies, interests, where they live, profession, age etc. I don't wanna ask any basic ORG questions that people have heard before, those suck.
Gilderoy Lockhart [12:01 PM]
Sirius
Buddy
Pal
Let's sit down
And just play some QWOP together
Prince Sev Snape [12:04 PM]
That is one of the worst games I have ever experienced so no
Gilderoy Lockhart [12:05 PM]
But
It's an accurate representation of your ability to interact with people of the opposite sex
Prince Sev Snape [12:05 PM]
Are you calling yourself a girl
Gilderoy Lockhart [12:06 PM]
Maybe
Maybe not
What's it to ya
(it's okay if you missed the joke, i won't point it out)
(sorry i have no self-control, it's funny because you can't interact with women unless it's falling in love with the perfect girl who won't ever love you back only to get bullied by her chad thundercock bf and later husband, and then you spend your life bullying her kid because he looks like papa chad and then you fucking die for the kid later on you literally sacrificed your life to protect a girl who friendzoned you's kid who looks identical to thad lightningloins get it sirius)
