https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLfSc_HzBT0&feature=youtu.be

I'm definitely having some buyer's remorse about the side I picked (and my move to initiate the conflict between the two sides.) But regardless of who was lying to me or not, I've been working on my relationship with Danny from Day 1 and Lexi has more of a floater/follower strategy, which I generally like to have on my side - whereas Aaron has a ton of agency and will never be more loyal to me than he is to Jessaca.

But the buyer's remorse is real, given that I'm starting to see Danny's true colors.

It's interesting that, at first, I thought that I was the remorseless liar and that Danny was the innocent player who didn't want to lie, but now the roles are reversing.

Or maybe they were that way all along and I misjudged Danny...and myself.

https://youtu.be/iHkBKkIYYDU

I'm not motivated by revenge, it's too petty. I'm motivated by a few things:

1. Setting a positive example to myself and others by embodying the virtues of perseverance, resourcefulness, and making meaning out of a seemingly-hopeless situation. To me, my favourite players in these games aren't just people that happened to play a technically-sound game - they embodied a kind of ideal that is worth striving towards. Will's Big Brother games, Dan's Big Brother games, Sangmin's seasons of The Genius, and even someone like Jordan Schuble in Maryland All-Stars not only entertained me, they inspired me to be a better person in their own ways. I've always felt that the best way to make meaning out of an inherently absurd existence is to stand for an ideal, and I guess this game has become a microcosm of that.

I guess I just want to be the kind of person that I can be proud of, even if no one else will ever care.

2. The opportunity to compete with Danny and Jessica on a level playing field, where the lines are clearly drawn between us, and with no pretensions that any other considerations are relevant. If they can beat me on such a playing field, I'll be open to giving one of them my vote in the end.

3. The small but non-zero chance that I can drag Jack and Jenn on my back to Final Tribal Council (whether it's a F3 or F2) and complete one of the craziest comebacks/stories/arcs of all-time.

4. Finally, a motivation for not committing game-suicide is similar to a common reason why many people considering actual suicide decide not to: a sense of responsibility to others, in this case, Sam and the entire production team. The past week has been one of the most entertaining, interesting, and crazy weeks I've ever had, and it came at a time where I really needed something to be excited about in my life. I am more grateful than I can ever express.

Consider the rest of my game as a kind of thank-you note.

Part 1: A bonus confessional that was the result of me staying up all night to make a blueprint for how I need to manoeuvre through the game given my current predicament.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7yFAoVYG4g&feature=youtu.be

https://youtu.be/oqpZCSf369Y

Since this confessional I had the following convos, which have made me a lot more optimistic:

Jenn - Told me that she thinks it's either her or Naomi. Swore on her grandfather's grave that she's not voting me. I lied to her that I'd vote with her and Lexi to vote out Naomi.

Naomi - I told her that Jenn thinks it's her or Naomi going home. Naomi is still cool with voting out Lexi, and even told Jack that everyone except Lexi and Jenn are voting Lexi, to which Jack apparently seemed down for. Naomi expressed that she was really appreciative of me keeping her in the loop all night about the calls I was having. I'm also winning brownie points with her for basically delivering the dying wish to her on a silver platter.

I'm a lot more optimistic now, I think we're around 90% that Lexi is going home.

I feel bad about blindsiding Jenn, but she won't have any move to make against me since Naomi has my back, and thus Kait will have my back (plus I've put in a lot of work with Kait individually.)

I'll probably still vote out Jenn on the next vote since I'm already committed to the strategy of offering Anders as many presents as I can, but I would be remiss if I didn't point out that voting out Lexi will quietly give the three outcasts - me, Jack, and Jenn - a majority, just in case we decide we want to take an...alternative route in the next round... >:)